Trump Taps Putin as 2024 Running Mate
“I was with a prostitute when I got the call,” said Vladimir Putin, petting a dead dog in his lap. “Of course, this was all part of my long-term plan…
Judge Aileen Cannon To Star in “Jury Duty” Season 2
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t super excited about this opportunity,” said U.S. District Court Judge Aileen Cannon. “I play a fake judge all of the time, so…
Trump Sought SNL Star As Body Double for Court Appearances
“The whole thing was really fucking weird,” said James Austin Johnson, a featured player since 2021 on SNL, the historic late-night sketch comedy show. “Trump personally reached out to my…
Marie Kondo Suffers Heart Attack After Seeing Mar-a-Lago Photos
“Marie is in stable condition,” said Dr. Aoi Tananka, lead cardiologist at Tokyo Medical University Hospital. “She has had a very difficult week, but thankfully her vital signs are returning…
“Coal Miners’ Slaughter” Wins Joe Manchin Yacht Naming Contest
“The contest was very close,” said Jeffrey Mayfield, a senior at West Virginia University, the first in his family of coal miners to go to college. “We had 16,593 West…
Elon: SpaceX to Build Khashoggi Rockets for Saudi Space Program
“It all started with red wine and the World Cup,” said Musk, back in the U.S., staring at his hand. “Admittedly, I was a bit giddy from watching Messi score…
Kyrsten Sinema Thanks Jesus Christ For Strength to End Democracy
“I couldn’t have played my part in ending democracy without the help of the Lord Jesus Christ, our Holy Savior,” said Arizona Senator Krysten Sinema—who, as an Independent, is totally…
BREAKING: House Republican George Santos Was Born In Kenya
Political Americans senior investigative reporter, Jeff Murdoch, has discovered that George Santos, the newly elected GOP Congressman from New York, was born in Nakuru, Kenya, and has 13 siblings—according to…
“Ginni In a Bottle”: Clarence Thomas & Wife To Launch Reality Show
“It all began when Dancing with the Stars approached both me and my wife,” said associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, Clarence Thomas. “But we wouldn’t be able to…
Rand Paul Receives $14.75 Per U.S. Covid Fatality
“It’s nothing personal,” said Republican Kentucky Senator Rand Paul. “It’s just business. As a doctor, I understand how misinformation and lies can promote the spread of death and disease. As…
Trump’s Kenyan Birth Certificate Among Documents Recovered from Mar-a-Lago
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – An original copy of Donald J. Trump’s original birth certificate, issued by a hospital in Nairobi, Kenya, is among the thousands of documents recovered by the National…
Afghan Warlords Keep Drunk Texting the Pentagon
“They have to know this is over. Finished. Finito.” General Mark A. Milley, 20th Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said. “We had a good run. And let’s face…
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi Launches Own CryptoCurrency: Cakecoin
“I’ve always been interested in how my position of power can use innovative technologies to un-level the playing field so I can make more money,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democratic octogenarian…