Health Insurance Executives Plan Luxury Conference to Examine Why Public Hates Them
In the wake of the shocking early morning shooting of the CEO of UnitedHealth in New York City, top brass at leading health insurance companies have scheduled a ten-day conference…
Joe Rogan Interview with Hitler’s Spirit Goes Viral
“I really kind of liked Hitler,” said Joe Rogan, taking a sip of his fortified chipmunk smoothie. “I know that’ll piss a lot of people off. But that’s their problem.…
Ken Burns to Release 7-Part Ashli Babbitt Documentary
“I can’t think of a more important person to the story of America than Ashli Babbitt,” said legendary filmmaker and documentarian Ken Burns. “Ashli Babbitt’s story is the story of…
GOP Outraged that Democratic President Pardons Son
“WHAT ABOUT NORMS” say Americans who voted for a convicted felon. Furious that President Biden pardoned his son, Hunter Biden, for lying on a federal form, Americans who voted for…
Trump Taps Charles Kushner as French Corruption Ambassador
“Project 2025 will ensure every federal agency and international relationship is optimized for maximum levels of corruption,” said Charles Kushner, celebrated slum lord and father of Saudi Arabian money launderer…
Elon Musk Promises Slave Labor on Mars by 2045
“We’re going to colonize Mars just like we colonized America–by enslaving certain races of human beings to do the grueling work that white people don’t want to do,” said Elon…
Progressively Drunk: Holiday Survival Kit for Liberals
For many of us, the holidays used to be our favorite time of the year. Not anymore. Holiday season is now a time to dread. An excruciating experience where we…
CNN, MSNBC Win Media Darwin Awards
“We were drunk on ratings,” explained Rachel Maddow, cleaning her eyeglasses with a wet pillow case. “We just could not NOT talk about Donald Trump, making sure he was front…
Pete Hegseth Proposes New Uniforms for U.S. Army
“My passion for hunting started when I tortured small animals as a kid,” said Pete Hegseth, Fox propagandist, Nazi enthusiast (a.k.a. Christian nationalist), and Trump’s pick for U.S. Defense Secretary.…
Jack Smith and Merrick Garland to Moonlight as Mall Cops During Holiday Season
“Now that this Trump business is over,” said Jack Smith, pouring out his briefcase into a dumpster behind the Department of Justice, “I can get back to protecting America from…
My Pillow Founder Sighted Outside Mar-a-Lago Pleading for Cabinet Position
Mike Lindell, burdened by lawsuits related to his incessant false claims of voting machine conspiracies along with American consumers realizing his pillows kind of suck, has been seen prowling the…
Pam Bondi to Speak at Trump University 2025 Graduation Ceremony
“It’s such an honor,” said Pam Bondi, curling her eyelashes in a full-length mirror in her Florida kitchen. “Not only did President-elect Trump ask me to be the Attorney General…
Trump Voters Excited to Receive Bonus Checks from China Tariffs
“Trump’s tariffs are going to make them Chinese people pay,” said Misty Muffoon, cradling her newborn grandson, a cigarette tucked into the corner of her mouth. “Ain’t no one gonna…
Right Wing Trolls to Sue Bluesky Users for Ignoring Them
A planned class action lawsuit representing thousands of lonely men who live in their parents’ basements will be filed against people who post on the social media site Bluesky, many…
Trump Vows to Deport Migrants Who Farm Salad Ingredients
“Vegetables are nasty, especially radishes,” said President-elect Trump, grabbing for a french fry that had fallen into his lap. “So I’m destroying the entire salad industry by deporting the brown…