Putin Donates $1M to Trump’s Birthday Parade, Promises to Be There
“It’s not often that we oligarchs can get together and celebrate special moments together,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, eating a whole raw chicken on his megayacht at an undisclosed…
Taco Bell Unveils “Trump TACO Tuesdays”
“At lunch time every Tuesday our crunchy tacos and soft tacos will cost $328.41,” said Sean Tresvant, Chief Executive Officer of Taco Bell. “But by dinner time that cost will…
Kim Jong Un Becomes U.S. Citizen with Trump Gold Card Program
“Now I can hang out with Dennis Rodman all the time,” said Kim Jong Un, an entourage of North Korean military officials following him on a tour of a new…
World Reacts to Trump’s Boeing-Made “Palace Plane”
Qatar’s $400 million luxury plane described as a “gift” to President Trump has generated a wave of celebrations across the world once it was revealed that the plane was built…
DHS Accidentally Kidnaps, Deports Marco Rubio to El Salvador
“Little Marco is the name of a key MS-13 cell leader based in Miami,” said Kevin Bullock, ICE agent and proud middle school graduate of Newsbury Middle School. “We’d been…
Elon Musk Demands Americans Say They’re Coming to His Birthday Party
Fresh off a tantrum that motivated fellow toddler Donald Trump to declare–in front of the White House–that anyone who says Teslas are shitty cars a “domestic terrorist,” Elon Musk has…
Zelensky Bills White House $735 for Babysitting
Volodymyr Zelensky, President of Ukraine, sent the White House an official invoice for the amount of $735 for babysitting expenses incurred during his recent visit to the United States. Zelensky…
Andrew Tate to Open Epstein Theme Park Near Mar-a-Lago
“Rapists and pedophiles are really having a moment in the cultural zeitgeist,” said Andrew Tate, licking his sunglasses clean and holding them up to the Florida sun. “With Trump being…
DOGE Celebrates Terrorizing America with Shirley Temples
“We resent being called the ‘DOGE DOUCHES’,” said Edward Coristine, blowing bubbles through a plastic straw into his shirley temple. “Every night before tucking us into our sleeping bags on…
Sen. Fetterman to Star in Slingblade Broadway Debut
“I see a lot myself in the character Karl Childers,” said Senator John Fetterman (D-PA), eating unheated soup straight from a can. “We share the same fashion sense, we’ve both…
RFK Announces Bird Flu Bitcoin
“America’s healthcare system will be bankrupt in three years,” said RFK, twisting a shoelace into a tourniquet and injecting high-pulp orange juice into his arm. “Now that America has abandoned…
Trump Announces “Proud Boys To Men” Cover Band Residency at Kennedy Center
“We’re eternally grateful to President Trump for this opportunity,” said Proud Boy leader Enrique Tarrio, primping his eyebrows in his dressing room mirror. “Many people struggle with the idea of…
Mainstream Media Insists Musk Was Calling for a Cab, Doing Pilates
The NYTimes, Washington Post, and other outlets that spent 2024 translating Donald Trump’s garble into English are now defending the body language of the US’s actual President and product of…
5-Year-Old Tammy Kemp Pens Manifesto About Trump’s Fascist Fucking Bullshit
“This shit is crazy,” said young Tammy Kemp, tossing her Dora the Explorer coloring book onto the carpet. “This Trump asshole is fucking up our democracy and replacing it with…
Trump Announces “Blood of Children” Beach Resort in Gaza
“At Trump Properties, we like to embrace the local culture and environment when building our first-class resorts,” said President Trump at Mar-a-Lago, beating a ladybug into a patch of grass…