Justice Thomas Agrees To Free His Nigerian Slaves After Negative Publicity
“Those Nigerian boys were a gift from a dear friend,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, lighting a Cuban cigar on a Washington D.C. sidewalk, flicking the match at a…
Dr. Oz: Trump Developing Taste for Human Flesh
“President Trump is now 72 percent decomposed zombie material, especially his arms, anus, and legs,” Dr. Oz explained during a recent congressional hearing. “His team has really worked miracles concealing…
Jeeter Stevens, South Dakota Soybean Farmer, Wins Welfare Queen Contest
Jeeter Stevens, a 47-year-old soybean farmer in Vermillion, South Dakota, won—for the third time—the prestigious Donald Trump Welfare Queen Contest, having amassed $1.4 million in U.S. taxpayer money for growing…
Trump Taps Ghislaine Maxwell to Lead Girl Scouts of America
Following the release of emails directly linking President Trump to Jeffrey Epstein and his pedophile ring, FBI Director Kash Patel revealed that convicted sex offender Ghislaine Maxwell has been granted…
Cuban MAGA Voters Excited to Live in Dictatorship They Fled
The streets of Miami-Dade County in Southeast Florida have been buzzing with euphoria as Cuban-American MAGA supporters celebrate the rise of Trump’s authoritarian regime. Many Cuban Americans in this area…
Trump Voters Excited to Receive Bonus Checks from China Tariffs
“Trump’s tariffs are going to make them Chinese people pay,” said Misty Muffoon, cradling her newborn grandson, a cigarette tucked into the corner of her mouth. “Ain’t no one gonna…
Hegseth: Torturing Small Animals Now Part of Basic Training
After lecturing the U.S. military’s top brass about the “warrior ethos” and teaching them the nuances of lethality, a proactive fighting mentality, and the importance of one’s cosmetic appearance, Pete…
Trump’s BB Bill Claims Poor People Qualify for Pet Insurance
President Donald Trump praised his Big Beautiful Bill at a recent Mar-a-Lago fundraiser where despots from around the globe paid $250,000 a plate to dine with Trump and network with…
RFK Jr. Launches Bird Flu Bitcoin
“The CDC has long been a sham of an agency spewing lies about healthcare” said RFK Jr., U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services, twisting a shoelace into a tourniquet…
Trump Blames Biden for 2028 Economic Depression
“The upcoming totally and absolutely horrible global depression of 2028 will be completely Joe Biden’s fault,” President Trump said from his Mar-a-Lago office, moisturizing his face with a handful of…
World Reacts to Trump’s Boeing-Made “Palace Plane”
Qatar’s $400 million luxury plane described as a “gift” to President Trump has generated a wave of celebrations across the world once it was revealed that the plane was built…
JD Vance Sequel “Hillbilly Hitler” Wins Southern Literary Prize
“I couldn’t be prouder to win the DeSantis Prize for White Literature,” said Vice President JD Vance. “White people have been persecuted ever since the black slaves arrived in America.…
5-Year-Old Tammy Kemp Pens Manifesto About Trump’s Fascist Fucking Bullshit
“This shit is crazy,” said young Tammy Kemp, tossing her Dora the Explorer coloring book onto the carpet. “This Trump asshole is fucking up our democracy and replacing it with…
DHS Accidentally Kidnaps, Deports Marco Rubio to El Salvador
“Little Marco is the name of a key MS-13 cell leader based in Miami,” said Kevin Bullock, ICE agent and proud middle school graduate of Newsbury Middle School. “We’d been…
Joe Rogan Interview with Hitler’s Spirit Goes Viral
“I really kind of liked Hitler,” said Joe Rogan, taking a sip of his fortified chipmunk smoothie. “I know that’ll piss a lot of people off. But that’s their problem.…