“Posturing with guns and cowboy hats is a way of life in Texas,” said Gov. Abbott. “Our elite Uvalde Police Force offers the best of the best that the Lone Star State has to offer. After we gaslight America into a Civil War, we plan to deploy our grizzled Uvalde officers into the heart of combat against drag queens and liberal women who want to control their own lives.”
“You see these mirror sunglasses on my face?” said Officer Tony Rodriguez. “These cool sunglasses mean I’m a bad ass cop from Texas. When you mess with Texas, you’re messing with my sunglasses. And when that happens, I’ll brandish my gun and take cover—behind a woman or maybe a group of children, like we were taught in our Texas cop training online course.”
“The great state of Texas plans on deploying the full Uvalde police force to hold the line next to the four feet of wall that Trump built for a mere $745 million taxpayer dollars—all of which went to friends of mine,” explained Gov. Abbott. “This is what democracy looks like in Texas. The rules are simple. Be angry. Be racist. And be a manly, ball-busting white man, just like Jesus.”
