“Now that this Trump business is over,” said Jack Smith, pouring out his briefcase into a dumpster behind the Department of Justice, “I can get back to protecting America from retail theft and flash mobs of teenage thugs.”
“The number one responsibility of law enforcement,” Smith said, tossing his security clearance badge into the dumpster, “is to put the bad guys behind bars. I fully intend to defend America’s toothpaste, tampons, and toilet paper from thieves and bad actors.”
“I’ll be working across the mall from Jack,” said Merrick Garland, the lame duck Attorney General for the Biden administration. “Jack will be protecting the CVS while I’ll be protecting Banana Republic, which is kind of what America is now, too, so that irony makes me chuckle every now and then.”
“My security team is the last line of defense for Banana Republic. I plan to uphold the responsibilities of my role with the utmost diligence, focus, and efficiency so that any criminal behavior is dealt with expeditiously. We can’t let the bad guys win. That is my promise to everyone. Unless, of course, the American public and the Supreme Court decides it prefers a lawless society where the criminals are in total control. Then we’re all fucked, to be honest.”
More Trump News.