“We were drunk on ratings,” explained Rachel Maddow, cleaning her eyeglasses with a wet pillow case. “We just could not NOT talk about Donald Trump, making sure he was front and center of every news cycle. As communications professionals we know that there is no such thing as bad publicity–especially for a narcissist with a cult following–but the ratings, and the money that came with those ratings, was just too intoxicating.”
Our reporter for Political Americans waited outside the New York City studio of the once-popular Morning Joe show and confronted the co-hosts on the sidewalk.
“We have no comment about this award,” said Joe Scarborough, wearing sunglass and a hoodie. “Isn’t that right, Mika?”
“I don’t know who the hell you are,” said Mika Brzezinski, donning a fuzzy hat with bullhorns, her face painted in read, white, and blue. “I don’t know who this man is.”
“You can still see us on TV,” said Kaitlin Collins, host of CNN’s The Source, “but we’re all basically unemployed now. There are no ratings. Not even my mom watches my show anymore. Not having an audience might not be a big deal for Anderson Cooper because he’s rich, but for me and Abby Phillip, well, we don’t have careers without Donald Trump. It’s like if Kim Jong Un disappeared from television in North Korea.”
“Whatever,” commented Abby Phillip. “Ever since the crazy pilgrims got kicked out of Europe and invaded, white people have been terrorizing this land and everyone in it. There isn’t a single black person surprised by any of this. There is a difference between freedom and entitlement. Democracy never stood a chance. I’ll gladly accept this Darwin Award. The whole country deserves it, honestly. Congratulations, America.”