“Those Nigerian boys were a gift from a dear friend,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, lighting a Cuban cigar on a Washington D.C. sidewalk, flicking the match at passing cat. “Harlan Crow bought those children for me and my wife as an anniversary present. Now these woke liberals are trying to take them away from us.”
Harlan Crow, a MAGA billionaire known for collecting Nazi memorabilia, personally funding Thomas family educational pursuits, and whisking the corrupt Supreme Court Justice away on his private jet for exotic trips, would not agree to be interviewed. Instead, he issued this comment through his public relations agency:
Mr. Crow has a black friend. So he, of course, can’t be a racist. Any allegations by the “fake news” or mainstream media or the Political Americans reporter stating that Mr. Crow or Justice Thomas have engaged in slavery are patently false. We vehemently deny those accusations. The Nigerian boys are here by choice. They enjoy taking care of Justice Thomas’s vast estate. These boys used to be surrounded by sand and starvation. Now they’re surrounded by a gated community, which closely monitors who comes in–and who tries to escape the property. For these boys, cultivating bees, mowing grass, harvesting crops, and hand-feeding alligators in the back pond is a dream come true.
The three Nigerian boys, whom Mrs. Ginni Thomas–famed MAGA den mother of January 6 Rioters–named Negroni (age 9), Slaver (age 11), and Whippit (age 14), were not available for comment. “These boys,” explained Mrs. Thomas, “are definitely not slaves. Yes, we don’t pay them in money, but never underestimate the currency of our love. We love having the boys here. And they repay that love by ensuring our property is well maintained and manicured. Mowing grass and beekeeping are nothing like picking cotton. It’s only the liberals who think of our boys as slaves. Which, to be honest, is kind of racist.”
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, who describes his own job as “being a slave to post-capitalist grifters and people like his friend Harlan Crow” extinguished his cigar on his tongue and then explained to our reporter, “Listen you woke fucks, because of you I have to sell my Nigerian children to Amy Coney Barrett, who is getting them for pennies on the dollar. My GOP counterparts say the negative publicity is going to impact Trump’s Project 2025 agenda, so I have to get rid of this public relations problem, fast. Personally, I don’t give a shit what people think of me. I’m fucking rich as hell. I don’t have to give a fuck. In America, justice is a commodity that is bought and sold, like a car. You should see my fucking RV. Now fuck off.”
