“It’s not often that we oligarchs can get together and really let our hair down,” said Vladimir Putin, eating a whole raw chicken on his megayacht at an undisclosed location near Mar-a-Lago. “But with so many friends being there — Elon Musk, the Chinese TikTok dude, Mark Zuckerberg, the My Pillow Guy, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, the fat Guy Who Lied about Sandy Hook, and Sammy Altman — how could I not be there? These guys are my friends! They know it’s not a party if Vlady the Baddy isn’t there!”
While investigating the logistics of having Russian President Vladimir Putin visit and party in Washington, D.C. our reporter met a Capitol Police officer and inquired about how security forces would handle such a disruption to an already busy event. “Well,” said Officer Gary Lincoln, “I doubt it will be as a chaotic as the last time Trump held an event here. They caused quite a ruckus. Actually, they violently attacked my friends with bear spray and sharpened flagpoles and killed my buddy and then rubbed shit all over the walls while carrying confederate flags. But with Putin being here, well, I’m sure they’ll be more respectful this time.”
“I can’t wait to meet the Mrs. Carrie Underwood,” said Putin, wiping his mouth with a raccoon pelt. “She’s such a real American woman, especially with her new nose. But I’m really looking forward to meeting Sylvester Stallone. Can you believe it! The same man who made action movies demonizing Mother Russia now wants a selfie with me and my autograph! Hold my balls, Rambo! God I love the new America!”
