“The CDC has long been a sham of an agency spewing lies about healthcare” said RFK Jr., U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services, twisting a shoelace into a tourniquet around his forearm and injecting high-pulp orange juice into a vein. “Now that America has abandoned the World Health Organization and Trump is firing healthcare professionals and defunding the CDC, we’re exploring other ways to secure financial resources for sick Americans.”
RFK Jr. made the announcement at a Bitcoin rally sponsored by a local Proud Boys organization in Augusta, Georgia. “I was hired by the American people to think creatively about how we’ll fund our healthcare system after the 2.3 million projected deaths of Americans due to bird flu over the next few years. That’s why I’m super excited to announce the launch of ‘America First Bird Flu Bitcoins’ as part of our new Make America Healthy Again, MAHA, initiative.”
“With so many American deaths and casualties expected over the coming years,” RFK Jr. explained, “we need to think of creative ways to transfer the wealth of everyday Americans to the government so we can funnel that money into the Trump family’s many personal projects, like golf carts made of gold at Mar-a-Lago and a personal hunting range-petting zoo for Pete Hegseth. After all, we can only sell but so many Trump Victory sneakers and other scams to grift struggling Americans. It’s a win-win for everyone in Trump’s circle.”
Political Americans is a satirical publication. All articles are parody and should not be taken as factual reporting.
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