“We’re eternally grateful to President Trump for this opportunity,” said Proud Boy leader Enrique Tarrio, primping his eyebrows in his dressing room mirror. “Many people struggle with the idea of our Nazi agenda not aligning with the music catalog of Boyz II Men, but if you dig deep into the lyrics of songs like “End of the Road,” you can clearly see that they’re talking about universal themes like white supremacy and bigotry toward other races.”
Tarrio set down his tweezers, took a sip of his Pellegrino sparkling water, and began singing “End of the Road”, the veins bulging from his neck:
“This time instead just come to my bed. And, baby, don’t let me down. Although we’ve come to the end of the road. Still I can’t let go. It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you. Although we’ve come to the end of the road.”
Tarrio, returning to his eyebrows, said, “I like to think that ‘baby’ in this song refers to America. That’s what I imagine as I sing the words. It’s so poignant, really. But if this heartfelt song doesn’t represent what the Proud Boys are all about, then you’ve never felt the euphoria of beating up an immigrant at one of our rallies.”
“I don’t mind being the fun, jolly approachable member of the band,’ said Jon “Piggy” Jasper, whose harmonies back up Tarrio’s silky melodies. “Tarrio is really the sexy one, at least that’s what all the guys say. And Bam Bam has really grown into his role as the vulnerable, rebellious band member. Bam Bam has his own legion of fans, especially his mom and his fan club that call themselves the Bam Bam Bottoms.”
“The Kennedy Center is no longer a haven for woke propaganda like music with those rattling gourds and girls like Sabrina Carpenter dressed in miniskirts and singing about coffee. Thanks to President Trump, we’re bringing real music back to the Kennedy Center. Our music is sung by real American men and appreciated by real American men. This residency at the Kennedy Center is going to be fierce and fabulous!”