Volodymyr Zelensky, President of Ukraine, sent the White House an official invoice for the amount of $735 for babysitting expenses incurred during his recent visit to the United States. Zelensky explained that he was the only adult in the room as President Donald Trump, Vice President JD Vance, and MAGA sycophant Marco Rubio threw childish tantrums and acted like spoiled, ignorant children.
“I tried to set an example of what a real man looks and acts like,” said Zelensky, wiping Trump’s saliva and spray tan from his sweater sleeve. “But these weak and insecure men only wanted to insult my clothes and berate me for not being thankful for being invited to what was clearly a political ambush. I’ve seen this bullying behavior in Putin and other pre-pubescent males, and it’s exhausting. I honestly feel like $735 is a very fair price for babysitting those terrible children.”
“Everyone knows Zelensky has poopy pants and is going to start World War Three,” said President Trump, drawing stick figures on Zelensky’s invoice and holding it up for everyone to see. “He’s a liar with his pants on fire and his country is so poor he doesn’t even own a suit. All of Ukraine has cooties and they are very mean to my friend Vladimir Putin, so we’re going to form an axis of evil with North Korea and murder freedom-loving people across the planet. Starting in America, but only the blue states because they’re meanies.”
“That’s right,” said Vice President Vance, applying eyeliner and primping his eyelashes while holding a mirror. “My mom can beat up Zelensky’s mom. To prove it we’re giving Mother Russia access to every American’s personal data, our economic assets, as well as all of our state and military secrets. That way we can shoot and kill everyone who doesn’t want to play with us, just like in GTA VI. And we’re never inviting Zelensky to our sleepovers at the Kremlin. Did you know the Kremlin has more than 1,000 couches?”
When asked for comment on Zelensky’s babysitting invoice, Marco Rubio denied our interview request and disappeared into a pillow fort he made in the Oval Office, then yelling that we should contact TASS, Russia’s state-owned news agency, for his comments on the situation.