Fresh off a tantrum that motivated fellow toddler Donald Trump to declare–in front of the White House–that anyone who says Teslas are shitty cars a “domestic terrorist,” Elon Musk has now demanded that saying you’re not coming to his birthday party is grounds for arrest and/or deportation (citizenship status non-applicable).
“President Musk– sorry, slip of the tongue there,” explained one of his shadowy staffers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “Excuse me, Co-President Musk is working very hard, rooting out all this hypothetical fraud from the US government. It’s very hard for Elon to keep doing his job if he even suspects there is a single American out there who doesn’t love him and think he is a very, very special boy.”
Musk, who believes that human empathy is a fundamental weakness of Western civilization, nonetheless very much wants people to feel sorry for him. He is reportedly very, very upset that the collapse of Tesla’s stock value is being interpreted as a statement of America’s (and the world’s) opinion of him. “He takes all of this very personally,” the staff member went on to say.
So, in retaliation, Musk is demanding that Congress pass the Americans Supporting Super Wonderful Intelligent Pretty Elon (ASSWIPE) Act, which will require all Americans to pledge their next car will be a Tesla. They must also commit to attending Elon’s birthday party and, if they are not invited, post on no fewer than three social media sites that they are devastated not to be invited and wish Elon a Happy Birthday.
DOGE employee Big Balls has signed on as co-sponsor of the bill. When it was pointed out that Big Balls is not a member of Congress and as such, has no authority to co-sponsor legislation, the Musk staff member replied via Nazi-site X, “Ha ha, no one cares what laws are anyway. Even the DOJ knows that laws are a cancer to freedom and efficiency. And they hurt Elon’s feelings.”
