“Little Marco is the name of a key MS-13 cell leader based in Miami,” said Kevin Bullock, ICE agent and proud middle school graduate of Newsbury Middle School. “We’d been following Marco Rubio for weeks, and when we heard he made a visit to El Salvador, we immediately got the green light from Pete Hegseth.”
“All of our cellphones were blowing up,” continued Bullock. “Signal. Facebook. Instagram. TikTok. All with the same message: Pull Little Marco by the neck out of the Chick-fil-A bathroom, put a burlap bag on his head, and shove his ass in an unmarked van. Then disappear the terrorist. Godspeed American warriors.”
Hampton Schmidt, US Border Patrol agent and dog track enthusiast, explained, “It was a good ten hours before we knew who this Little Marco actually was. That was a bit of an oopsie. Usually when we make that kind of mistake no one finds out. But getting Senator Rubio back to the United States was more difficult than we thought.”
“Trump sent special orders,” elaborated Schmidt, “to just keep Rubio there with the other brown people–racial profiling being our leading criteria for delivering justice against gang members and terrorists–until we fully vetted the veracity of his US citizenship, which really isn’t something that matters anymore. By the time we walked him out of that El Salvadorian prison, Rubio was looking pretty roughed up. His hair was dusty and he wasn’t wearing a suit. Just jeans and a jacket. I had to stay with Rubio the whole time so he didn’t get re-arrested.”