“Immigrants and witches posses evil superpowers,” declared President Trump, angrily smashing a fleeing box turtle with his eight iron on a 3rd hole fairway at Bedminster Golf Club.
“Did you know,” Trump continued, “that some immigrants can actually speak more than one language? Just like at the Tower of Babel in the Bible. It’s disgusting! Everyone knows that English is the language of Jesus. America’s language. Immigrants are lazy demons spawned from the devil. Just like most women.” Trump handed his nine iron to his caddy. “Get that cleaned up.”
America has a long history of scapegoating the poor and the powerless, a tradition started when European colonists arrived in America and demonized the indigenous tribes as being dangerous and uncivilized heathens. That ethos carried over into the Puritan spiritual practice of hanging women at the stake for being witches–a ritual alluded to in Arthur Miller’s play, The Crucible, which became the center of attention during America’s paranoid McCarthyism era, which, thanks to Republicans, is still ongoing, but more ignorant and violent today.
As ICE agents continue to mask up and beat down immigrants in Los Angeles and soon somewhere near you, Trump is also turning his focus to witches–which Trump claims are ruining American families and should never have had the power to hold anyone accountable for harassing and raping them.
“Both immigrants and women,” Trump explained, “aren’t real human beings, so why should they enjoy America’s most treasured freedoms like golf, Adderall, and Adderall, and Adderall. Sure, we need immigrants to wash dishes and we need women for prostitution, but the truth is we don’t need many of them. Just a few. The rest should be eliminated, just like the colonists and Puritans did to the Indian terrorists and those nasty witches way back in the 1980s. It’s what Jesus would have wanted. And because I’m the new Jesus, it’s what I want for America, too.”
Political Americans is a satirical publication. All articles are parody and should not be taken as factual reporting.
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