President Donald Trump praised his Big Beautiful Bill at a recent Mar-a-Lago fundraiser where despots from around the globe paid $250,000 a plate to dine with Trump and network with fellow arms dealers, GOP senators, human traffickers, and owners of Premier League soccer teams.
Our Political Americans undercover reporter botoxed her face and joined a small gaggle of Breitbart and Fox News reporters allowed into the event. When she asked Trump about his favorite part of the Big Beautiful Bill, Trump replied, crushing an Adderall into his Diet Coke: “I know you think I’m going to say the tax cuts for billionaires that will explode the U.S. deficit by $3.3 trillion and funnel taxpayer money to foreign oligarchs–and I am quite proud of that–but that’s not what I’m most proud of.”
Trump then closed his eyes and adjusted his MAGA cap as the Adderrall settled into his bloodstream, briefly twitching his eyelids. “What I’m most proud of is the amazing cruelty. So amazing. My Big Beautiful Bill is genius from a human cruelty standpoint. No other president in the history of the United States has violently disappeared so many brown people and kicked millions and millions of poor Americans off their Medicaid and health insurance. It’s a feeling I really can’t describe.”
When asked by our undercover reporter where Trump expected those poor people to get access to affordable health insurance, Trump explained: “Poor people don’t contribute anything to our great American economy. They’re like animals. They’re like pets. Under my Big Beautiful Bill, if these poor people know rich people who can own them–sponsor them–like pets, then we’ll extend pet insurance coverage to those people as long as their employers offer it.”
Responding to a follow up question about whether human pet coverage meant healthcare provided by doctors or vets, Trump angrily spouted, “That’s a nasty question. You’re a nasty reporter. Just like the corrupt mainstream media. But I’m going to answer your question: No. These poor people will have to be treated by veterinarians. It’s what they deserve for being poor. Besides, America has the greatest veterinarians in the world. Poor people should feel lucky to have the same care provided to America’s great hamsters and horses.”
Political Americans is a satirical publication. All articles are parody and should not be taken as factual reporting.
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