“President Trump is now 72 percent decomposed zombie material, especially his arms, anus, and legs,” Dr. Oz explained during a recent congressional hearing. “His team has really worked miracles concealing his medical condition with makeup, but it’s only a matter of time before President Trump fully joins the realm of the living dead.”
When asked about the President’s changing dietary needs, Dr. Oz explained, “Decades and decades of fast food have prepared the President well for eating human flesh, but his increasing appetite for human organs and skin has raised a number of logistical–and if you’re part of that stupid woke liberal crowd–ethical concerns.”
An investigation by our Political Americans Food & Lifestyle correspondent revealed that the President’s “special beautiful meat meals” are being prepared and delivered from the same secret prisons in Uganda and El Salvador where ICE and the Department of Homeland Security are incarcerating detainees. There has been no official connection between the President’s new dietary routine and the US citizens and immigrants who have been disappeared to these black sites, but President Trump’s inner circle has refused to answer questions related to the matter.
“Listen,” Dr. Oz said, “President Trump is a busy and powerful man. Now that the Adderall and Ketamine are no longer effective because his neurological system is inactive, we need to treat him as a full patient who needs special care. In this case, that means sourcing human flesh from reliable sources. As a human, President Trump always had an affinity for young girls, so you’d think that would evolve into his new dietary preferences, but as he increasingly becomes a zombie, his tastes are skewing more toward middle-aged men. From a medical perspective, it’s fascinating.”
When asked about the recent observations regarding Trump’s decomposing hands and legs, Dr. Oz took a defiant tone. “The lamestream media needs to stop painting President Trump as some sort of monster. He’s a great and loving man who just happens to be turning into a decomposing zombie. And as President of the United States, we need to give him everything he needs to be successful. Even if it means feeding him human lung hamburgers and feet meatballs. Which is something we’re definitely not doing. His meals are not made from immigrants. That’s all fake news bullshit. The President doesn’t even like brown people.”
Political Americans is a satirical publication. All articles are parody and should not be taken as factual reporting.
Giving The Onion competition!