“There is nothing we can do about mass shootings, so to save time in the future I’m excited to announce that today I officially signed a bill that sends my thoughts and prayers out to the victims of America’s next mass shootings in perpetuity,” President Trump declared, the stench of death from his ankles filling the Oval Office.
“I don’t actually pray, what a stupid waste of time,” Trump elaborated. “But if I did pray, it would be that God make whatever school, concert, or church gets massacred next be in a blue state. That way we can blame Democrats while also reaping the benefits of major spikes in ratings for Fox News, Newsmax, and my favorite conservative podcasters.”
“You know,” President Trump continued, his hands smeared with makeup borrowed from Melania’s handler, “the data shows that mass shootings are a ratings bonanza for TV and other media. Honestly, ratings like that from mass shootings–especially school shootings, the ratings really love kids–make me incredibly jealous. We never had numbers like that on The Apprentice. They should be celebrated, really.”
When our American Dystopia Editor asked President Trump about the possibility of mass shootings occurring in red states, the President lashed out, “What a horrible question. What a terrible question to ask me. You should be shot for asking it. But, you know, it doesn’t matter if mass shootings happen in red states because we’ll still blame Democrats. We take zero accountability for anything and blame the Democrats for everything. How do you think I got elected…. twice!”
“My new bill will save the American government and law enforcement time and money by not having to express our condolences or send out thoughts and prayers. It’s all right here in the bill. We’ve already done that. My administration is also gas lighting America into a mental health crisis, and we’re hoping this strategy pays major dividends in terms of increasing mass shootings in blue states. Hell, we’ve sent in the National Guard trying to trigger violence as a pretext to start a new Civil War. Those victims are also included in this bill.”
Political Americans is a satirical publication. All articles are parody and should not be taken as factual reporting.
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