“They have to know this is over. Finished. Finito.” General Mark A. Milley, 20th Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said. “We had a good run. And let’s face it, they were the ones who broke up with us, not the other way around. I just want everyone to know who dumped who. I was willing to work on the relationship, but now it’s over. They had their chance. But they blew it. Seriously, I’m not being a bitch. I’m just being honest.”
Milley then raised his smartphone, shaking his head. “I mean, WTF, I’m getting texts like this from the Afghan warlords day and night. I’m actually embarrassed for them. Just look at this…”
“Pleeaaszzze come back.
We can’t live withoutts you.
Sayed won’t even come out of of of his hut.
Abdullll has already spppeent all his money.
We missed ;uyopu.
Come baaaack!!!!“
“You Americans watch too many Tom Hanks movies,” said Mullah Abdul Salam Zaeef, the Taliban ambassador and mindfulness coach speaking on behalf of the brokenhearted warlords. “Life is complex and difficult. Love is a complicated matter. We worked very hard with the Afghans to build a fake army of 300,000 ghost soldiers. In exchange your taxpayers gave $5 trillion to military contractors like Boeing, Halliburton, Lockheed Martin, General Dynamics, Raytheon, and Northrop Grumman. They get some of the money. We get some of the money. Everyone is happy.”
“But we blew it,” said Taliban Deputy Ambassador Sohail Shaheen. “We wanted the money and the power, which really strained the relationship. Some of us just had to have all of Afghanistan. And with the Americans tiring of the relationship after having spent $14 trillion in Afghanistan, well, I guess we both changed and just fell out of love. And here we are. We miss you. And your money. Please take us back.”
Learn more: Watson Institute for International and Public Affairs/Brown University
(Photo Credit: REUTERS/Pawel Kopczynski)
(Photo Credit: US Secretary of Defense)