“Rapists and pedophiles are really having a moment in the cultural zeitgeist,” said Andrew Tate, licking his sunglasses clean and holding them up to the Florida sun. “With Trump being president, it’s like being a sexual predator is cool again. Not that it wasn’t ever not cool, but you know what I mean. We were creepy deviants before being a creepy deviant was cool. But we’re not being exclusive. The Jeffery Epstein Theme Park takes a ‘big tent’ approach to sexual predators. They’re all welcome!”
Andrew Tate is a British citizen who escaped to Romania with his brother, Tristan, to avoid rape and assault charges and to run a fledgling prostitution ring in their adoptive hometown. The two perverts, however, naturally saw a permanent home in Florida near Mar-a-Lago, a safe haven for sexual predators and corrupt, insecure men. How the two men received official access to American soil and safety is a mystery to anyone who is blind to Trump’s craven appetite for raping girls and carousing with men who abuse women.
“Creating a theme park near Mar-a-Lago,” said President Trump, yelling from his golf cart, “to honor our dear friend and group sex partner, Jeffrey Epstein, is the perfect way to celebrate an important American businessman.”
“My administration,” continued Trump, “is all about jobs–jobs, jobs, jobs–hand jobs, blow jobs, the best types of jobs, hah hah. But in all seriousness, repurposing old rollercoasters and building a new theme park where sexual predators can have fun with their very impressive pedophile friends is about as American as America gets. I believe the first ride is called The Ghislaine Train with the next two set to open in 2027 called The Jeff Express and The Underage Rave. It’s all very exciting.”
“Right now,” added Andrew Tate, “our Epstein Theme Park is obviously pretty small. We have three abandoned rollercoasters that we bought from bankrupt county fairs in Gainesville, Jupiter, and Tallahassee. Obviously, none of the rides will have a height or age limits, because, well, that would be counterproductive to the audience we’re targeting. President Trump even promised a direct golf cart path from Mar-a-Lago to Epstein Theme Park, which we’re all fucking stoked about.”