Trump Declares Jonestown Massacre as National Holiday
“Jim Jones was a great American,” said President-elect Trump, holding a 9 iron beside his golf cart. “Like me, he was very beloved by his people and, like my people,…
Matt Gaetz Says Sabrina Carpenter “like 25 years too old” to be Sexy
“I don’t get this fascination with Sabrina Carpenter,” said Cameo gig worker and Trump’s former nominee for U.S. Attorney General, Matt Gaetz. “Sabrina is way, way too old to be…
JD Vance, Infuriated, Demands Couch Get Abortion
A romantic date turned sour at an Applebees in Columbus, Ohio, as newly elected Vice President JD Vance and his Couch had a heated argument over whether or not the…
JD Vance Sequel “Hillbilly Hitler” Wins Southern Literary Prize
“I couldn’t be prouder to win the DeSantis Prize for White Literature,” said Trump VP pick JD Vance. “White people have been persecuted ever since the black slaves arrived in…
High Schools in Red States Launch Racist Student Exchange Program
“It’s so heartwarming to see a young racists from Germany make such great friends with young racists in Georgia,” said Larry Parker, Head Principal of Cordell Hills Prep School. “We’re…
Trump Sought SNL Star As Body Double for Court Appearances
“The whole thing was really fucking weird,” said James Austin Johnson, a featured player since 2021 on SNL, the historic late-night sketch comedy show. “Trump personally reached out to my…
“Coal Miners’ Slaughter” Wins Joe Manchin Yacht Naming Contest
“The contest was very close,” said Jeffrey Mayfield, a senior at West Virginia University, the first in his family of coal miners to go to college. “We had 16,593 West…
Flashback: SNL Sean Spicer Press Conferences
Melissa McCarthy and SNL delivered the funny when many of us needed it the most. Enjoy these hilarious videos mocking Trump‘s White House Press Secretary—and Dancing with the Stars buffoon—Sean…
Trump Taps Putin as Ambassador to Russia
“I was with a prostitute when I got the call,” said Vladimir Putin, petting a dead dog in his lap. “Of course, this was all part of my long-term plan…
Texas Gov. Abbott Sends Uvalde Police to Protect Southern Border
“Posturing with guns and cowboy hats is a way of life in Texas,” said Gov. Abbott. “Our elite Uvalde Police Force offers the best of the best that the Lone…
Hunter Biden Resigns as Elected Official of Absolutely Nothing
“I’m taking time off of not having had any elected role whatsoever to focus on my relationships with my Republican friends,” said Hunter, sitting at a coffee shop in Arlington,…
Republicans Elect Father Paul Hill as House Speaker
“This role isn’t very different from my last position,” said Father Paul Hill. “As a leader of that devoted conservative community, I became very familiar with the work of the…
Sen. Tuberville Murders Baby Wearing Obama Onesie
Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) allegedly murdered an 8-month-old baby in the parking lot of Chick-fil-A in Montgomery, Alabama. “That damn baby was asking for it,” said the former football coach…
Judge Aileen Cannon To Star in “Jury Duty” Season 2
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t super excited about this opportunity,” said U.S. District Court Judge Aileen Cannon. “I play a fake judge all of the time, so…
Marie Kondo Suffers Heart Attack After Seeing Mar-a-Lago Photos
“Marie is in stable condition,” said Dr. Aoi Tananka, lead cardiologist at Tokyo Medical University Hospital. “She has had a very difficult week, but thankfully her vital signs are returning…