Kim Jong Un Becomes U.S. Citizen with Trump Gold Card Program
“Now I can hang out with Dennis Rodman all the time,” said Kim Jong Un, an entourage of North Korean military officials following him on a tour of a new…
Karoline Leavitt Shocks Press Corps with Scooby-Doo-esque Revelation
The White House Press Corps was stunned today when an agitated Karoline Leavitt, White House Press Secretary, began trembling when asked a barrage of questions about Trump’s relationship with pedophile…
GOP Awards Chuck Schumer Coveted U.S. Senate Participation Trophy
Chuck Schumer (D-NY) received the prestigious U.S. Senate Participation Trophy from Senate Republicans for his efforts in helping the GOP avoid accountability for the government shutdown and their disastrous political…
Pres. Trump Signs Mass Shooting Bill, Touts “Ratings Bonanza”
“There is nothing we can do about mass shootings, so to save time in the future I’m excited to announce that today I officially signed a bill that sends my…
ICE Revives Confederate Battle Plan for Civil War with Blue States
“The Civil War never ended for the South,” explained Kristi Noem, DHS Secretary and dog sushi enthusiast. “That’s why we’re giving ICE $45 million in US taxpayer money–no, sorry, that’s…
USMNT Excited to Represent FIFA Fascism at 2026 World Cup
According to recent Wall Street Journal economic data, the only global entity more corrupt than Washington, D.C., today is FIFA, whose leader, Giovanni Vincenzo Infantino, is a devoted Trump sycophant.…
Trump Orders ICE to “Eliminate” Immigrants and Witches
“Immigrants and witches posses evil superpowers,” declared President Trump, angrily smashing a fleeing box turtle with his eight iron on a 3rd hole fairway at Bedminster Golf Club. “Did you…
Taco Bell Unveils Pop-Up Rebranding for “Trump TACO Tuesdays”
“We’re very, very excited about this marketing campaign,” said Vivian Flores, Chief Manager of Taco Bell. “At lunch time every Tuesday our crunchy tacos and soft tacos will cost $328.41.…
Pete Hegseth Proposes New Uniforms for U.S. Army
“My passion for hunting started when I tortured small animals as a kid,” said Pete Hegseth, Fox propagandist, Nazi enthusiast (a.k.a. Christian nationalist), and Trump’s pick for U.S. Defense Secretary.…
Musk and Trump Spar Over Who Gets Russia in Break Up
“I’ve known Russia the longest,” Trump claimed, “going back to my days as a KGB operative. They even gave me this wonderful code name, Krasnov, which is very flattering. Elon…
Israel: Trump Phones Armed with Glitter Bombs
“My job is to protect Israelis at all costs,” said Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel. “The Americans have given us billions of dollars and military weapons and countless bombs…
Iran Supreme Leader Claims No Knowledge of Uranium Being Moved to Secure Location
After American’s B-2 bombing on Iran’s underground nuclear facilities, experts are trying to measure the efficacy of the raid, and how much–if any–of Iran’s 400kg (882lb) stockpile of enriched uranium…
Trump: Charlie Kirk’s Funeral to Feature 21-Gun Salute
“We’re honoring Charlie and his love for our great Second Amendment,” President Trump explained, dollops of ketchup dripping from his Big Mac onto the cement floor of the White House…
Trump Furious Parade Full of “Old Tanks” and “Fat Tourists”
President Trump’s $45 million Birthday Parade was expected to attract 200,000 enthusiastic, flag-waving Americans. Reality, however, played out very differently than the scene the White House predicted. While President Trump…
Sad Elon Musk Demands Americans Say They’re Coming to His Birthday Party
Fresh off a tantrum that motivated fellow toddler Donald Trump to declare–in front of the White House–that anyone who says Teslas are shitty cars a “domestic terrorist,” Elon Musk has…