Progressively Drunk: Holiday Survival Kit for Liberals
For many of us, the holidays used to be our favorite time of the year. Not anymore. Holiday season is now a time to dread. An excruciating experience where we…
Republicans Elect Father Paul Hill as House Speaker
“This role isn’t very different from my last position,” said Father Paul Hill. “As a leader of that devoted conservative community, I became very familiar with the work of the…
Sen. Tuberville Murders Baby Wearing Obama Onesie
Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) allegedly murdered an 8-month-old baby in the parking lot of Chick-fil-A in Montgomery, Alabama. “That damn baby was asking for it,” said the former football coach…
Marie Kondo Suffers Heart Attack After Seeing Mar-a-Lago Photos
“Marie is in stable condition,” said Dr. Aoi Tananka, lead cardiologist at Tokyo Medical University Hospital. “She has had a very difficult week, but thankfully her vital signs are returning…
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DeSantis Launches Anti-Woke Fast-Food Chain “Manatee Burger”
As part of his anti-woke campaign, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and two undisclosed business partners are opening a fast-food restaurant “Manatee Burger,” which will serve burgers made from the meat…
Elon: SpaceX to Build Khashoggi Rockets for Saudi Space Program
“It all started with red wine and the World Cup,” said Musk, back in the U.S., staring at his hand. “Admittedly, I was a bit giddy from watching Messi score…
Kyle Rittenhouse To Go As Murderer Next Halloween
“You know those assholes who go to Halloween costume parties but don’t dress up?” said Kyle Rittenhouse, a teenage vigilante who killed two people to win his mother’s love, “Well,…
Kyrsten Sinema Thanks Jesus Christ For Strength to End Democracy
“I couldn’t have played my part in ending democracy without the help of the Lord Jesus Christ, our Holy Savior,” said Arizona Senator Krysten Sinema—who, as an Independent, is totally…
GOP Courts Bill Cosby To Win Over Black Voters
“This is part of our Wakanda Strategy,” said Jeff Row, leading Republican strategist and founder of Axis Strategies. “We know that black people only go to black movies—like those Wakanda…
Trump Denies Giving America Herpes
“America knew what she was doing,” said Donald Trump, sitting at his desk and biting into a cheeseburger. “I’m really the victim. America isn’t even good looking. Very ugly, if…
GOP Drops Oath Keepers, Seeks MS-13 for Next Insurrection
“The Oath Keepers turned out to be a bunch of losers,” explained Representative Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). “While they were dumb and desperate enough to take the fall for all of…
BREAKING: House Republican George Santos Was Born In Kenya
Political Americans senior investigative reporter, Jeff Murdoch, has discovered that George Santos, the newly elected GOP Congressman from New York, was born in Nakuru, Kenya, and has 13 siblings—according to…
Murdoch: Fox News Acquires Russia Today Network for $15.2 Million
“These two media brands belong together,” said Rupert Murdoch, media tycoon and founder of News Corp, the parent company of Fox News. “Fox News and Russia Today are world-class leaders…
Donald Trump and Ivanka Enjoy Romantic Dinner in Staten Island
“They flirted with each other all night,” said Angelo Rossi, owner of Meetza Da Pizza, the venerable go-to restaurant for Italian comfort food in Staten Island. “They’ve both been under…