National Archives: Women Voting Was A Terrible Idea
Stung by accusations that, in an effort to make white Conservatives feel better about being bigots, the National Archive has been removing any references to periods of history that Conservatives…
Kash Patel To Restructure FBI With Caste System
“Nothing is more woke than the idea that all human beings are created equal,” said Kash Patel, whose Indian Gujarati parents–in a retrospective ironic twist–immigrated to Canada in the 1970s…
Joe Rogan Interview with Hitler’s Spirit Goes Viral
“I really kind of liked Hitler,” said Joe Rogan, taking a sip of his fortified chipmunk smoothie. “I know that’ll piss a lot of people off. But that’s their problem.…
Ken Burns to Release 7-Part Ashli Babbitt Documentary
“I can’t think of a more important person to the story of America than Ashli Babbitt,” said legendary filmmaker and documentarian Ken Burns. “Ashli Babbitt’s story is the story of…
Elon Musk Promises Slave Labor on Mars by 2045
“We’re going to colonize Mars just like we colonized America–by enslaving certain races of human beings to do the grueling work that white people don’t want to do,” said Elon…
Progressively Drunk: Holiday Survival Kit for Liberals
For many of us, the holidays used to be our favorite time of the year. Not anymore. Holiday season is now a time to dread. An excruciating experience where we…
CNN, MSNBC Win Media Darwin Awards
“We were drunk on ratings,” explained Rachel Maddow, cleaning her eyeglasses with a wet pillow case. “We just could not NOT talk about Donald Trump, making sure he was front…
My Pillow Founder Sighted Outside Mar-a-Lago Pleading for Cabinet Position
Mike Lindell, burdened by lawsuits related to his incessant false claims of voting machine conspiracies along with American consumers realizing his pillows kind of suck, has been seen prowling the…
Trump Voters Excited to Receive Bonus Checks from China Tariffs
“Trump’s tariffs are going to make them Chinese people pay,” said Misty Muffoon, cradling her newborn grandson, a cigarette tucked into the corner of her mouth. “Ain’t no one gonna…
Right Wing Trolls to Sue Bluesky Users for Ignoring Them
A planned class action lawsuit representing thousands of lonely men who live in their parents’ basements will be filed against people who post on the social media site Bluesky, many…
Speaker Mike Johnson Says Other Religions “Traumatizing” to Christians
Speaker Mike Johnson has proposed legislation barring mention of any faith besides Christianity, saying that the existence of other faiths is too traumatizing to American Christians and makes them feel…
Trump Declares Jonestown Massacre as National Holiday
“Jim Jones was a great American,” said President-elect Trump, holding a 9 iron beside his golf cart. “Like me, he was very beloved by his people and, like my people,…
High Schools in Red States Launch Racist Student Exchange Program
“It’s so heartwarming to see a young racists from Germany make such great friends with young racists in Georgia,” said Larry Parker, Head Principal of Cordell Hills Prep School. “We’re…
Flashback: SNL Sean Spicer Press Conferences
Melissa McCarthy and SNL delivered the funny when many of us needed it the most. Enjoy these hilarious videos mocking Trump‘s White House Press Secretary—and Dancing with the Stars buffoon—Sean…
Republicans Elect Father Paul Hill as House Speaker
“This role isn’t very different from my last position,” said Father Paul Hill. “As a leader of that devoted conservative community, I became very familiar with the work of the…