DOGE Celebrates Terrorizing America with Shirley Temples
“We resent being called the ‘DOGE DOUCHES’,” said Edward Coristine, blowing bubbles through a plastic straw into his shirley temple. “Every night before tucking us into our sleeping bags on…
RFK Announces Bird Flu Bitcoin
“America’s healthcare system will be bankrupt in three years,” said RFK, twisting a shoelace into a tourniquet and injecting high-pulp orange juice into his arm. “Now that America has abandoned…
Mainstream Media Insists Musk Was Calling for a Cab, Doing Pilates
The NYTimes, Washington Post, and other outlets that spent 2024 translating Donald Trump’s garble into English are now defending the body language of the US’s actual President and product of…
5-Year-Old Tammy Kemp Pens Manifesto About Trump’s Fascist Fucking Bullshit
“This shit is crazy,” said young Tammy Kemp, tossing her Dora the Explorer coloring book onto the carpet. “This Trump asshole is fucking up our democracy and replacing it with…
Trump Blames Biden for 2028 Great Recession
“The upcoming horrible recession of 2028 will be totally and completely Sleepy Joe Biden’s fault,” President Trump said from his Mar-a-Lago office, moisturizing his face with a handful of warm…
Trump Assembles Jan. 6 Regiment to Attack Canada & Greenland
“We’re freeing all of the January 6 heroes from U.S. jails and forming a special assault regiment,” said Donald Trump, wiping ketchup from his face with an American flag. “These…
Christian Megachurches Rebranding As MAGAChurches
“Donald J. Trump represents a modern interpretation of Jesus,” said Reverend Marcus Copeland, spiritual leader of the Big Stick Christianity movement sweeping across Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. “Our 2.1…
Justice Thomas Agrees To Free His Nigerian Slaves After Negative Publicity
“Those Nigerian boys were a gift from a dear friend,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, lighting a Cuban cigar on a Washington D.C. sidewalk, flicking the match at a…
Pam Bondi to Speak at Trump University 2025 Graduation Ceremony
“It’s such an honor,” said Pam Bondi, curling her eyelashes in a full-length mirror in her Florida kitchen. “Not only did President Trump ask me to be the Attorney General…
Health Insurance Executives Plan Luxury Conference to Examine Why Public Hates Them
In the wake of the shocking early morning shooting of the CEO of UnitedHealth in New York City, top brass at leading health insurance companies have scheduled a ten-day conference…
Putin Donates $1M to Trump Inauguration
“It’s not often that we oligarchs can get together and really let our hair down,” said Vladimir Putin, eating a whole raw chicken on his megayacht at an undisclosed location…
Judge Aileen Cannon To Star in “Jury Duty” Season 2
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t super excited about this opportunity,” said U.S. District Court Judge Aileen Cannon. “I play a fake judge all of the time, so…
Trump Taps Charles Kushner as French Corruption Ambassador
“Project 2025 will ensure every federal agency and international relationship is optimized for maximum levels of corruption,” said Charles Kushner, celebrated slum lord and father of Saudi Arabian money launderer…
GOP Outraged that Democratic President Pardons Son
“WHAT ABOUT NORMS” say Americans who voted for a convicted felon. Furious that President Biden pardoned his son, Hunter Biden, for lying on a federal form, Americans who voted for…
Trump Sought SNL Star As Body Double for Court Appearances
“The whole thing was really fucking weird,” said James Austin Johnson, a featured player since 2021 on SNL, the historic late-night sketch comedy show. “Trump personally reached out to my…