Heritage Foundation Report: Price of Freedom is $1.05
Every generation of Americans asks itself the same question: What is the price of freedom? Over the centuries, those generations of Americans have responded with different answers as to what…
RFK Jr. Blames Kennedy Family Curse on “Lifelike” Leprechauns
“It all comes together,” said RFK Jr., dipping a piece of whale sashimi into soy sauce, “the political assassinations, the plane crashes, the tragic drunk driving accidents. The whole thing.…
Trump Declares Jonestown Massacre as National Holiday
“Jim Jones was a great American,” said President-elect Trump, holding a 9 iron beside his golf cart. “Like me, he was very beloved by his people and, like my people,…
Trump Sought SNL Star As Body Double for Court Appearances
“The whole thing was really fucking weird,” said James Austin Johnson, a featured player since 2021 on SNL, the historic late-night sketch comedy show. “Trump personally reached out to my…
Trump Taps Putin as Ambassador to Russia
“I was with a prostitute when I got the call,” said Vladimir Putin, petting a dead dog in his lap. “Of course, this was all part of my long-term plan…
Hunter Biden Resigns as Elected Official of Absolutely Nothing
“I’m taking time off of not having had any elected role whatsoever to focus on my relationships with my Republican friends,” said Hunter, sitting at a coffee shop in Arlington,…
Republicans Elect Father Paul Hill as House Speaker
“This role isn’t very different from my last position,” said Father Paul Hill. “As a leader of that devoted conservative community, I became very familiar with the work of the…
Sen. Tuberville Murders Baby Wearing Obama Onesie
Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) allegedly murdered an 8-month-old baby in the parking lot of Chick-fil-A in Montgomery, Alabama. “That damn baby was asking for it,” said the former football coach…
Judge Aileen Cannon To Star in “Jury Duty” Season 2
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t super excited about this opportunity,” said U.S. District Court Judge Aileen Cannon. “I play a fake judge all of the time, so…
Marie Kondo Suffers Heart Attack After Seeing Mar-a-Lago Photos
“Marie is in stable condition,” said Dr. Aoi Tananka, lead cardiologist at Tokyo Medical University Hospital. “She has had a very difficult week, but thankfully her vital signs are returning…
DeSantis Launches Anti-Woke Fast-Food Chain “Manatee Burger”
As part of his anti-woke campaign, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and two undisclosed business partners are opening a fast-food restaurant “Manatee Burger,” which will serve burgers made from the meat…
Elon: SpaceX to Build Khashoggi Rockets for Saudi Space Program
“It all started with red wine and the World Cup,” said Musk, back in the U.S., staring at his hand. “Admittedly, I was a bit giddy from watching Messi score…
Kyle Rittenhouse To Go As Murderer Next Halloween
“You know those assholes who go to Halloween costume parties but don’t dress up?” said Kyle Rittenhouse, a teenage vigilante who killed two people to win his mother’s love, “Well,…
Kyrsten Sinema Thanks Jesus Christ For Strength to End Democracy
“I couldn’t have played my part in ending democracy without the help of the Lord Jesus Christ, our Holy Savior,” said Arizona Senator Krysten Sinema—who, as an Independent, is totally…
BREAKING: House Republican George Santos Was Born In Kenya
Political Americans senior investigative reporter, Jeff Murdoch, has discovered that George Santos, the newly elected GOP Congressman from New York, was born in Nakuru, Kenya, and has 13 siblings—according to…