DOGE Celebrates Terrorizing America with Shirley Temples
“We resent being called the ‘DOGE DOUCHES’,” said Edward Coristine, blowing bubbles through a plastic straw into his shirley temple. “Every night before tucking us into our sleeping bags on…
Putin Donates $1M to Trump’s Birthday Parade, Promises to Be There
“It’s not often that we oligarchs can get together and celebrate special moments together,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, eating a whole raw chicken on his megayacht at an undisclosed…
Mainstream Media Insists Musk Was Calling for a Cab, Doing Pilates
The NYTimes, Washington Post, and other outlets that spent 2024 translating Donald Trump’s garble into English are now defending the body language of the US’s actual President and product of…
Trump Announces “Blood of Children” Beach Resort in Gaza
“At Trump Properties, we like to embrace the local culture and environment when building our first-class resorts,” said President Trump at Mar-a-Lago, beating a ladybug into a patch of grass…
Trump Launches New Line of Antipathy Cards for Bereaved People
The Trump administration recently announced–in addition to gaudy shoes, Bibles manufactured in China, and dark web NFTs and bitcoins–the release of an “exciting” new line of greeting cards inspired by…
Trump Assembles Jan. 6 Regiment to Attack Canada & Greenland
“We’re freeing all of the January 6 heroes from U.S. jails and forming a special assault regiment,” said Donald Trump, wiping ketchup from his face with an American flag. “These…
Christian Megachurches Rebranding As MAGAChurches
“Donald J. Trump represents a modern interpretation of Jesus,” said Reverend Marcus Copeland, spiritual leader of the Big Stick Christianity movement sweeping across Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. “Our 2.1…
Heritage Foundation Report: Price of Freedom is $1.05
Every generation of Americans asks itself the same question: What is the price of freedom? Over the centuries, those generations of Americans have responded with different answers as to what…
Fox News, North Korea Hold Media Strategy Conference in Oslo
“We partnered with the best of the best,” said Kim Jong-Un, the supreme leader of North Korea and U.S. basketball fanboy. “Fox News has enjoyed unbridled success in brainwashing Americans,…
Pam Bondi to Speak at Trump University 2026 Graduation Ceremony about “Corruption Is the New Freedom”
“It’s such an honor,” said Pam Bondi, curling her eyelashes in a full-length mirror in her Florida kitchen. “Not only did President Trump ask tap me as the Attorney General…
BETRAYAL: Immigrant Kash Patel Ruins America for Future Immigrants and Life Itself
“Nothing is more woke than the idea that all human beings are created equal,” said Kash Patel, whose Indian Gujarati parents–in a retrospective ironic twist–immigrated to Canada in the 1970s…
Trump Declares Jonestown Massacre as National Holiday
“Jim Jones was a great American,” said President Trump, holding a 9 iron beside his golf cart. “Like me, he was very beloved by his people and, like my people,…
Health Insurance Executives Plan Luxury Conference to Examine Why Public Hates Them
In the wake of the shocking early morning shooting of the CEO of UnitedHealth in New York City, top brass at leading health insurance companies have scheduled a ten-day conference…
Carrie Underwood to Celebrate “3 Chords and the Douche” at Trump Bigotry Festival on Jan. 20
Carrie Underwood, or a reconstructed version of Carrie Underwood, will celebrate the storied history of racism in country music by performing at the Trump Bigotry Festival on January 20, which…
Jack Smith and Merrick Garland Transition Careers as Mall Cops
“Now that this Trump business is over,” said Jack Smith, pouring out his briefcase into a dumpster behind the Department of Justice, “I can get back to protecting America from…