RFK Announces Bird Flu Bitcoin
“America’s healthcare system will be bankrupt in three years,” said RFK, twisting a shoelace into a tourniquet and injecting high-pulp orange juice into his arm. “Now that America has abandoned…
Health Insurance Executives Plan Luxury Conference to Examine Why Public Hates Them
In the wake of the shocking early morning shooting of the CEO of UnitedHealth in New York City, top brass at leading health insurance companies have scheduled a ten-day conference…
Trump Vows to Deport Migrants Who Farm Salad Ingredients
“Vegetables are nasty, especially radishes,” said President Trump, grabbing for a french fry that had fallen into his lap. “So I’m destroying the entire salad industry by deporting the brown…
JD Vance, Infuriated, Demands Couch Get Abortion
A romantic date turned sour at an Applebees in Columbus, Ohio, as newly elected Vice President JD Vance and his Couch had a heated argument over whether or not the…
Trump Denies Giving America Herpes
“America knew what she was doing,” said Donald Trump, sitting at his desk and biting into a cheeseburger. “I’m really the victim. America isn’t even good looking. Very ugly, if…
Rand Paul Receives $14.75 Per U.S. Covid Fatality
“It’s nothing personal,” said Republican Kentucky Senator Rand Paul. “It’s just business. As a doctor, I understand how misinformation and lies can promote the spread of death and disease. As…
DeSantis: Republicans Can Email 2022 Ballots Before They Die of Freedom
“I’m proud to announce that Republican voters with Covid in Florida can now submit their 2022 ballots as an email attachment,” said Ron DeSantis, GOP Governor of Florida. “This expedited…
Reps. MTG and Matt Gaetz Open Racist Cobra Kai Dojos
“I’m so freaking excited to be partnering with Matt Gaetz to open up franchises of racist Cobra Kai dojos across the South to prepare our youth for the next Civil…