Musk and Trump Spar Over Who Gets Russia in Break Up
“I’ve known Russia the longest,” Trump claimed, “going back to my days as a KGB operative. They even gave me this wonderful code name, Krasnov, which is very flattering. Elon…
Israel: Trump Phones Armed with Glitter Bombs
“My job is to protect Israelis at all costs,” said Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel. “The Americans have given us billions of dollars and military weapons and countless bombs…
Iran Supreme Leader Claims No Knowledge of Uranium Being Moved to Secure Location
After American’s B-2 bombing on Iran’s underground nuclear facilities, experts are trying to measure the efficacy of the raid, and how much–if any–of Iran’s 400kg (882lb) stockpile of enriched uranium…
Zelensky Bills White House $735 for Babysitting
Volodymyr Zelensky, President of Ukraine, sent the White House an official invoice for the amount of $735 for babysitting expenses incurred during his recent visit to the United States. Zelensky…
Sen. Fetterman to Star in Slingblade Broadway Debut
“I see a lot myself in the character Karl Childers,” said Senator John Fetterman (D-PA), eating unheated soup straight from a can. “We share the same fashion sense, we’ve both…
Putin Donates $1M to Trump’s Birthday Parade, Promises to Be There
“It’s not often that we oligarchs can get together and celebrate special moments together,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, eating a whole raw chicken on his megayacht at an undisclosed…
Mainstream Media Insists Musk Was Calling for a Cab, Doing Pilates
The NYTimes, Washington Post, and other outlets that spent 2024 translating Donald Trump’s garble into English are now defending the body language of the US’s actual President and product of…
Heritage Foundation Report: Price of Freedom is $1.05
Every generation of Americans asks itself the same question: What is the price of freedom? Over the centuries, those generations of Americans have responded with different answers as to what…
Fox News, North Korea Hold Media Strategy Conference in Oslo
“We partnered with the best of the best,” said Kim Jong-Un, the supreme leader of North Korea and U.S. basketball fanboy. “Fox News has enjoyed unbridled success in brainwashing Americans,…
National Archives: Women Voting Was A Terrible Idea
Stung by accusations that, in an effort to make white Conservatives feel better about being bigots, the National Archive has been removing any references to periods of history that Conservatives…
BETRAYAL: Immigrant Kash Patel Ruins America for Future Immigrants and Life Itself
“Nothing is more woke than the idea that all human beings are created equal,” said Kash Patel, whose Indian Gujarati parents–in a retrospective ironic twist–immigrated to Canada in the 1970s…
Trump Declares Jonestown Massacre as National Holiday
“Jim Jones was a great American,” said President Trump, holding a 9 iron beside his golf cart. “Like me, he was very beloved by his people and, like my people,…
Ken Burns to Release 7-Part Ashli Babbitt Documentary
“I can’t think of a more important person to the story of America than Ashli Babbitt,” said legendary filmmaker and documentarian Ken Burns. “Ashli Babbitt’s story is the story of…
Carrie Underwood to Celebrate “3 Chords and the Douche” at Trump Bigotry Festival on Jan. 20
Carrie Underwood, or a reconstructed version of Carrie Underwood, will celebrate the storied history of racism in country music by performing at the Trump Bigotry Festival on January 20, which…
CNN, MSNBC Win Media Darwin Awards
“We were drunk on ratings,” explained Rachel Maddow, cleaning her eyeglasses with a wet pillow case. “We just could not NOT talk about Donald Trump, making sure he was front…