Trump Assembles Jan. 6 Regiment to Attack Canada & Greenland
“We’re freeing all of the January 6 heroes from U.S. jails and forming a special assault regiment,” said Donald Trump, wiping ketchup from his face with an American flag. “These…
Pete Hegseth Proposes New Uniforms for U.S. Army
“My passion for hunting started when I tortured small animals as a kid,” said Pete Hegseth, Fox propagandist, Nazi enthusiast (a.k.a. Christian nationalist), and Trump’s pick for U.S. Defense Secretary.…
Sen. Tuberville Murders Baby Wearing Obama Onesie
Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) allegedly murdered an 8-month-old baby in the parking lot of Chick-fil-A in Montgomery, Alabama. “That damn baby was asking for it,” said the former football coach…
Elon: SpaceX to Build Khashoggi Rockets for Saudi Space Program
“It all started with red wine and the World Cup,” said Musk, back in the U.S., staring at his hand. “Admittedly, I was a bit giddy from watching Messi score…
Afghan Warlords Keep Drunk Texting the Pentagon
“They have to know this is over. Finished. Finito.” General Mark A. Milley, 20th Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said. “We had a good run. And let’s face…
Resurrected Pope Blesses George Bush Mural of Innocent Victims Killed in Iraq
“Mission almost accomplished,” joked the former President of the United States, adding the last few strokes to his 500-foot wall mural in Bushwick, Brooklyn. “Done,” he then exhaled, tossing the…