“Donald J. Trump represents a modern interpretation of Jesus,” said Reverend Marcus Copeland, spiritual leader of the Big Stick Christianity movement sweeping across Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. “Our 2.1 million faithful followers have pledged their souls and paychecks to President Trump, who was sent to us directly from God to save America from the woke liberals. That’s why,” continued Copeland, polishing a gold statue of Trump which the churches share on a rotating basis, “you’re seeing megachurches everywhere transforming into MAGAChurches. We’re very excited to replace our faith in Jesus Christ with undying loyalty to Mr. Trump. It’s all explained in the Bible if you really know how to read it.”
“Let’s face it,” explained Harold Martinez, an unmarried 42-year-old contractor who lives with his Dominican parents in Arizona. “The truth is Jesus Christ was a lazy, woke immigrant who relied on socialism to get through life. Total loser. Today’s new Christianity, what we call Purpose Driven Christianity, is all about embracing late-stage capitalism to accumulate as much wealth as possible so that we may feel the spiritual rewards of having freedoms like shopping at Costco, paying off debt, and betting on NFL games. God doesn’t want us to be faithful. God wants us to be purposeful, and that means raping, grifting, or fleecing any person or thing that comes in between us and our divine purpose.”
“It’s about time America returned to its Christian roots,” said Becky Smackers, a mother of three teenage bullies who runs The Muffin Maker, a Q-themed cupcake shop in Dallas, Texas. “MAGAChurches represent a new dawn for Christians in America. Where we’re taking back all the woke attitudes towards raping women, personal accountability, and regulating greed by elevating Donald J. Trump to be our divine savior. No more Haitians eating our cats. No more gays getting abortions. And no more Chinese inflation. Only Trump can save us!”
“Being around Donald J. Trump is like being in the presence of God,” said Gilbert Bitty, Pastor of the Turquoise Trails Evangelical MAGAChurch in New Mexico, pictured below touching Trump while trying to remember his wife’s name. “Jesus was way too liberal for today’s Christians. We are now exercising our God given right to free will by supporting fascism–remember, Hitler was a Christian–and fulfilling American ideals that rid us of heathens like the American Indians and brought salvation to the uncivilized slaves who came here from Africa looking for work.”
“At the end of the day,” Pastor Bitty elaborated, “Christians are tired of being associated with Jesus Christ, who is a loser by any definition of modern success. If Jesus were alive today, he’d have terrible cable TV ratings, he couldn’t get laid even if he had to rape a teenager, and there is no way he could make us wealthy or safe from immigrants by being caring or honest. Those traits are for losers. At MAGAChurches, we know God loves white people who worship Donald, black people who are good at football, and Latino Catholics who fled authoritarianism to vote for Trump in America. Everyone else can go to hell. They’re not welcome at our MAGAChurch, unless they’re willing to pay in cash.”