“We resent being called the ‘DOGE DOUCHES’,” said Edward Coristine, blowing bubbles through a plastic straw into his shirley temple. “Every night before tucking us into our sleeping bags on the floor of whatever agency we’re destroying, our leader, Elon Musk, tells us a bedtime story about how poor and gay people are ruining America. Elon says we’re heroes.”
“That’s right,” said Luke Farritor, pouring a sugar packet into his mouth. “We’re like badass heroes in GTA 6. The people we’re hurting and killing don’t even seem real to us. We just like fucking their shit up because it feels really manly. My therapist says it’s much healthier than torturing small animals in my backyard.”
The other DOGE DOUCHES terrorizing America–Akash Bobba, Gautier Cole Killian, Gavin Kliger, and Ethan Shaotran–are also big gamers. “I learned that being online was better than participating in the real world,” explained Gavin Kliger, smiling as he turned his eyelids inside out. “My parents are always complaining about paying bills and shitty bosses. I never want to interact with real people or feel their pain. In fact, I’d love to rid the world of real people, so it’s just me, my friends, and Daddy Elon.”
Our Political Americans reporter reached out to Akash Bobba, Gautier Cole Killian, and Ethan Shaotran for comments, but their parents said they were on play date at an undisclosed federal agency. “We’re not sure what they’re doing,” said Jay Bobba, the father of Akash. “But they did say something about beating a live pinata to death, whatever that could mean.”