As part of his anti-woke campaign, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and two undisclosed business partners are opening a fast-food restaurant “Manatee Burger,” which will serve burgers made from the meat of the placid marine animals.
“The best part,” DeSantis explained, “is that manatees are herbivores. This way we’re owning both libs who don’t eat meat and the libs who care about the environment.”
“Manatee Burger,” DeSantis continued, “will create jobs for Floridians while also expanding business around one of the few natural resources we haven’t completely ruined—manatees. And manatees are super slow. In fact, catching and slaughtering them is even easier than gigging frogs.”
The Manatee Burger menu features the anti-woke manatee deluxe hamburger, but there are also a few unique options, such as the “Manatee Fries” which are cooked in oil made 100% from manatee fat. The restaurant itself is decorated with pictures of manatees hit by motorboats on the walls, and the tables are made from reclaimed wood from the Everglades which is rapidly dying from land reclamation of unchecked pollution runoff from local corporations.
“Killing off Florida’s manatees while also making a profit is the perfect business use case for my ‘Go Woke, Go Broke’ presidential campaign slogan,” said DeSantis. “It’s just another example of how Florida is leading the nation in implementing policies that generate revenue for straight white people by exploiting defenseless natural resources.”
