“The Oath Keepers turned out to be a bunch of losers,” explained Representative Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). “While they were dumb and desperate enough to take the fall for all of our anti-democracy efforts—lots of Oath Keepers are currently in or going to jail now—they ultimately proved to be too undisciplined and diabetic to achieve any sustainable results.”
“The goal of dark money,” McCarthy added, “is to create distance between the powerful people and the stooges willing to sacrifice their livelihoods and freedoms to incite chaos, disrupt norms, and undermine the institutions that support U.S. democracy. We’ve gone about as far as we can with the Oath Keepers. They’re actually really lazy for racists.”
“So, for the next insurrection, continued McCarthy, “the Republican party wants to fully embrace diversity, and begin throwing money behind a more diverse community of gangs and organizations. Representative Madison Cawthorn from North Carolina suggested we reach out to groups like MS-13, which we’re hoping to do soon.”
“There is no fucking way we’d work with the Republicans,” said Mateo Rodriguez, regional spokesperson for MS-13. “If you knew what the Republicans did to South and Central America, you would understand why. We hate these white racists just as much as everyone else.”
Insurrection Photo: Jeff Gates McCarthy Photo: Gage Skidmore