After lecturing the U.S. military’s top brass about the “warrior ethos” and teaching them the nuances of lethality, a proactive fighting mentality, and the importance of one’s cosmetic appearance, Pete Hegseth, a self-described Secretary of War, has issued a mandate that will impact every branch of America’s vaunted military.
“I’m officially making the torture of small animals a critical part of basic training for our Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines,” Hegseth explained, dabbing his temples with apricot cologne. “A killer mentality requires that we purge ourselves of any sense of humanity that may interfere with our orders to commit human atrocities, war crimes, and the murdering of innocent people. Torturing small animals is an effective way to train our soldiers in the art of lethality. I learned this as a kid.”
According to the mandate, released on White House letterhead, those small animals include puppies, kittens, lambs, turtles, roosters, guinea pigs, Shetland ponies, rabbits, ferrets, tropical fish, and immigrant children. The torturing methods listed were waterboarding, bare-handed strangling, brass knuckle beatings, eye-gouging, disfigurement, mock execution, forced nudity, kneecapping, sexual assault, and stabbing.
“The warrior mentality demands discipline and excellence,” Hegseth continued, “and the torture of small animals builds both the discipline of losing one’s morality and the excellence of being devoid of any human instinct that would hamper the execution of orders given by President Trump. We have already seen tremendous success of similar programs at DHS and ICE. Under my leadership, the U.S. military will be feared by our enemies and citizens and small animals everywhere. We’re letting the world know–America is back.”
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