ICE Revives Confederate Battle Plan for Civil War with Blue States

“The Civil War never ended for the South,” explained Kristi Noem, DHS Secretary and dog sushi enthusiast. “That’s why we’re giving ICE $45 million in US taxpayer money–no, sorry, that’s $45 BILLION in taxpayer money–to develop and train a new Confederate Army that will wage war on Blue States and sanctuary cities. We’re going to kill or imprison anyone who opposes President Trump. Many of the ICE platoons will be led by January 6 insurrectionists.”

“If all goes well,” Noem continued, “there’s even talk of bringing slavery back after we destroy Medicaid and Medicare. These are very exciting times for the Republican party, fascists, and bigots across America. Our strategy begins with deploying masked ICE agents into Blue States to incite violence by arresting and detaining innocent people. When Liberals defend themselves, against these assaults, we’ll have our excuse to unleash the full scope of the deadly power of the US military against America. Classic wag-the-dog type shit.”

Our Political Americans military correspondent was not given access to other officials in ICE’s leadership, but we were able to secure comments from an ICE deputy or “foot soldier” as he described himself. Though insisting on anonymity, the ICE agent did say he was related to US Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth, which was how he “got the job without a single fucking interview or even needing to fill out an application.”

“Blue states need to understand that bigotry, racism, and slavery are ideals that can’t be bled to death or burned down. The Confederacy stands for America ideals that define the soul of Us, We the People. And that’s why we’re empowering ICE to use the original Confederate battle plans to win the new Civil War against Blue States.”

Political Americans is a satirical publication. All articles are parody and should not be taken as factual reporting.