“I’ve known Russia the longest,” Trump claimed, “going back to my days as a KGB operative. They even gave me this wonderful code name, Krasnov, which is very flattering. Elon never had a KGB code name.”
“That doesn’t count,” rebutted Musk. “Trump was Krasnov way back in 1987. I mean, who cares, the Cold War is over. Russia won. The KGB now has the private financial and personal healthcare information of every American citizen and government employee. Not to mention all of America’s states secrets and the intellectual property of every company. I did that. DOGE did that. Not Trump.”
“Elon is just jealous that Putin and I talk on the phone every day,” said Trump.
“Bitch, Putin just offered me asylum in Russia,” shouted Musk. “Take that loser. Guess what, Russia gets to decide who it wants in this divorce, and Russia chose me. Trump is a pedophile who belongs on Epstein Island, not in a beautiful country like our motherland Russia.”
“Russia is just saying that because you’re pressuring them into choosing,” explained Trump. “The lawyers said you’re not allowed to do that. Russia is old enough to make it’s own decisions without you manipulating their decision-making process.”
“Hey asshole,” shouted Musk, “how do you think either of us got into these positions of power? We’ve brainwashed over 70 million Americans into thinking you’re a good businessman and that I’m a genius.”
“That’s true,” said Trump, sheepishly. “Sometimes I regret what happened to us. We have so much in common.”
“Well, we’re both Russian assets,” said Musk. “But it’s over Donald, I’m just not the same person anymore.”
“We’ll always have our Adderall addictions in common,” lamented Trump. “I barely remember most of those days, but I know those were good times.”
