Trump Orders ICE to “Eliminate” Immigrants and Witches
“Immigrants and witches posses evil superpowers,” declared President Trump, angrily smashing a fleeing box turtle with his eight iron on a 3rd hole fairway at Bedminster Golf Club. “Did you…
RFK Jr. Launches Bird Flu Bitcoin
“The CDC has long been a sham of an agency spewing lies about healthcare” said RFK Jr., U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services, twisting a shoelace into a tourniquet…
Justice Thomas Agrees To Free His Nigerian Slaves After Negative Publicity
“Those Nigerian boys were a gift from a dear friend,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, lighting a Cuban cigar on a Washington D.C. sidewalk, flicking the match at a…
Taco Bell Unveils Pop-Up Rebranding for “Trump TACO Tuesdays”
“We’re very, very excited about this marketing campaign,” said Vivian Flores, Chief Manager of Taco Bell. “At lunch time every Tuesday our crunchy tacos and soft tacos will cost $328.41.…
Pete Hegseth Proposes New Uniforms for U.S. Army
“My passion for hunting started when I tortured small animals as a kid,” said Pete Hegseth, Fox propagandist, Nazi enthusiast (a.k.a. Christian nationalist), and Trump’s pick for U.S. Defense Secretary.…
DHS Accidentally Kidnaps, Deports Marco Rubio to El Salvador
“Little Marco is the name of a key MS-13 cell leader based in Miami,” said Kevin Bullock, ICE agent and proud middle school graduate of Newsbury Middle School. “We’d been…
World Reacts to Trump’s Boeing-Made “Palace Plane”
Qatar’s $400 million luxury plane described as a “gift” to President Trump has generated a wave of celebrations across the world once it was revealed that the plane was built…
Musk and Trump Spar Over Who Gets Russia in Break Up
“I’ve known Russia the longest,” Trump claimed, “going back to my days as a KGB operative. They even gave me this wonderful code name, Krasnov, which is very flattering. Elon…
Israel: Trump Phones Armed with Glitter Bombs
“My job is to protect Israelis at all costs,” said Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel. “The Americans have given us billions of dollars and military weapons and countless bombs…
Iran Supreme Leader Claims No Knowledge of Uranium Being Moved to Secure Location
After American’s B-2 bombing on Iran’s underground nuclear facilities, experts are trying to measure the efficacy of the raid, and how much–if any–of Iran’s 400kg (882lb) stockpile of enriched uranium…
Trump: Charlie Kirk’s Funeral to Feature 21-Gun Salute
“We’re honoring Charlie and his love for our great Second Amendment,” President Trump explained, dollops of ketchup dripping from his Big Mac onto the cement floor of the White House…
5-Year-Old Tammy Kemp Pens Manifesto About Trump’s Fascist Fucking Bullshit
“This shit is crazy,” said young Tammy Kemp, tossing her Dora the Explorer coloring book onto the carpet. “This Trump asshole is fucking up our democracy and replacing it with…
JD Vance Sequel “Hillbilly Hitler” Wins Southern Literary Prize
“I couldn’t be prouder to win the DeSantis Prize for White Literature,” said Vice President JD Vance. “White people have been persecuted ever since the black slaves arrived in America.…
Trump Furious Parade Full of “Old Tanks” and “Fat Tourists”
President Trump’s $45 million Birthday Parade was expected to attract 200,000 enthusiastic, flag-waving Americans. Reality, however, played out very differently than the scene the White House predicted. While President Trump…
Sad Elon Musk Demands Americans Say They’re Coming to His Birthday Party
Fresh off a tantrum that motivated fellow toddler Donald Trump to declare–in front of the White House–that anyone who says Teslas are shitty cars a “domestic terrorist,” Elon Musk has…