Jack Smith and Merrick Garland Transition Careers as Mall Cops
“Now that this Trump business is over,” said Jack Smith, pouring out his briefcase into a dumpster behind the Department of Justice, “I can get back to protecting America from…
My Pillow Founder Sighted Outside Mar-a-Lago Pleading for Cabinet Position
Mike Lindell, burdened by lawsuits related to his incessant false claims of voting machine conspiracies along with American consumers realizing his pillows kind of suck, has been seen prowling the…
Pam Bondi to Speak at Trump University 2025 Graduation Ceremony
“It’s such an honor,” said Pam Bondi, curling her eyelashes in a full-length mirror in her Florida kitchen. “Not only did President-elect Trump ask me to be the Attorney General…
Trump Voters Excited to Receive Bonus Checks from China Tariffs
“Trump’s tariffs are going to make them Chinese people pay,” said Misty Muffoon, cradling her newborn grandson, a cigarette tucked into the corner of her mouth. “Ain’t no one gonna…
Right Wing Trolls to Sue Bluesky Users for Ignoring Them
A planned class action lawsuit representing thousands of lonely men who live in their parents’ basements will be filed against people who post on the social media site Bluesky, many…
Trump Vows to Deport Migrants Who Farm Salad Ingredients
“Vegetables are nasty, especially radishes,” said President-elect Trump, grabbing for a french fry that had fallen into his lap. “So I’m destroying the entire salad industry by deporting the brown…
Speaker Mike Johnson Says Other Religions “Traumatizing” to Christians
Speaker Mike Johnson has proposed legislation barring mention of any faith besides Christianity, saying that the existence of other faiths is too traumatizing to American Christians and makes them feel…
Heritage Foundation Report: Price of Freedom is $1.05
Every generation of Americans asks itself the same question: What is the price of freedom? Over the centuries, those generations of Americans have responded with different answers as to what…
Judge Aileen Cannon To Star in “Jury Duty” Season 2
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t super excited about this opportunity,” said U.S. District Court Judge Aileen Cannon. “I play a fake judge all of the time, so…
RFK Jr. Blames Kennedy Family Curse on “Lifelike” Leprechauns
“It all comes together,” said RFK Jr., dipping a piece of whale sashimi into soy sauce, “the political assassinations, the plane crashes, the tragic drunk driving accidents. The whole thing.…
Trump Declares Jonestown Massacre as National Holiday
“Jim Jones was a great American,” said President-elect Trump, holding a 9 iron beside his golf cart. “Like me, he was very beloved by his people and, like my people,…
Matt Gaetz Says Sabrina Carpenter “like 25 years too old” to be Sexy
“I don’t get this fascination with Sabrina Carpenter,” said Cameo gig worker and Trump’s former nominee for U.S. Attorney General, Matt Gaetz. “Sabrina is way, way too old to be…
JD Vance, Infuriated, Demands Couch Get Abortion
A romantic date turned sour at an Applebees in Columbus, Ohio, as newly elected Vice President JD Vance and his Couch had a heated argument over whether or not the…
JD Vance Sequel “Hillbilly Hitler” Wins Southern Literary Prize
“I couldn’t be prouder to win the DeSantis Prize for White Literature,” said Trump VP pick JD Vance. “White people have been persecuted ever since the black slaves arrived in…
High Schools in Red States Launch Racist Student Exchange Program
“It’s so heartwarming to see a young racists from Germany make such great friends with young racists in Georgia,” said Larry Parker, Head Principal of Cordell Hills Prep School. “We’re…