Trump Launches New Line of Antipathy Cards for Bereaved People
The Trump administration recently announced–in addition to gaudy shoes, Bibles manufactured in China, and dark web NFTs and bitcoins–the release of an “exciting” new line of greeting cards inspired by…
President Musk Announces Mandatory White Studies Course for Higher Education
President In Ipsa Re Elon Musk, fresh off of making a Nazi salute that scored a solid 8.7 with Proud Boy judges, has proposed mandatory White Studies writing courses for…
Trump Blames Biden for 2028 Economic Depression
“The upcoming totally and absolutely horrible global depression of 2028 will be completely Joe Biden’s fault,” President Trump said from his Mar-a-Lago office, moisturizing his face with a handful of…
JD Vance, Infuriated, Demands Couch Get Abortion
A romantic date turned sour at an Applebees in Columbus, Ohio, as newly elected Vice President JD Vance and his Couch had a heated argument over whether or not the…
JD Vance Sequel “Hillbilly Hitler” Wins Southern Literary Prize
“I couldn’t be prouder to win the DeSantis Prize for White Literature,” said Vice President JD Vance. “White people have been persecuted ever since the black slaves arrived in America.…
Trump Voters Excited to Receive Bonus Checks from China Tariffs
“Trump’s tariffs are going to make them Chinese people pay,” said Misty Muffoon, cradling her newborn grandson, a cigarette tucked into the corner of her mouth. “Ain’t no one gonna…
Trump Assembles Jan. 6 Regiment to Attack Canada & Greenland
“We’re freeing all of the January 6 heroes from U.S. jails and forming a special assault regiment,” said Donald Trump, wiping ketchup from his face with an American flag. “These…
Christian Megachurches Rebranding As MAGAChurches
“Donald J. Trump represents a modern interpretation of Jesus,” said Reverend Marcus Copeland, spiritual leader of the Big Stick Christianity movement sweeping across Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. “Our 2.1…
Justice Thomas Agrees To Free His Nigerian Slaves After Negative Publicity
“Those Nigerian boys were a gift from a dear friend,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, lighting a Cuban cigar on a Washington D.C. sidewalk, flicking the match at a…
Heritage Foundation Report: Price of Freedom is $1.05
Every generation of Americans asks itself the same question: What is the price of freedom? Over the centuries, those generations of Americans have responded with different answers as to what…
Fox News, North Korea Hold Media Strategy Conference in Oslo
“We partnered with the best of the best,” said Kim Jong-Un, the supreme leader of North Korea and U.S. basketball fanboy. “Fox News has enjoyed unbridled success in brainwashing Americans,…
Pam Bondi to Speak at Trump University 2026 Graduation Ceremony about “Corruption Is the New Freedom”
“It’s such an honor,” said Pam Bondi, curling her eyelashes in a full-length mirror in her Florida kitchen. “Not only did President Trump ask tap me as the Attorney General…
National Archives: Women Voting Was A Terrible Idea
Stung by accusations that, in an effort to make white Conservatives feel better about being bigots, the National Archive has been removing any references to periods of history that Conservatives…
BETRAYAL: Immigrant Kash Patel Ruins America for Future Immigrants and Life Itself
“Nothing is more woke than the idea that all human beings are created equal,” said Kash Patel, whose Indian Gujarati parents–in a retrospective ironic twist–immigrated to Canada in the 1970s…
Trump Declares Jonestown Massacre as National Holiday
“Jim Jones was a great American,” said President Trump, holding a 9 iron beside his golf cart. “Like me, he was very beloved by his people and, like my people,…