Health Insurance Executives Plan Luxury Conference to Examine Why Public Hates Them
In the wake of the shocking early morning shooting of the CEO of UnitedHealth in New York City, top brass at leading health insurance companies have scheduled a ten-day conference…
Joe Rogan Interview with Hitler’s Spirit Goes Viral
“I really kind of liked Hitler,” said Joe Rogan, taking a sip of his fortified chipmunk smoothie. “I know that’ll piss a lot of people off. But that’s their problem.…
Ken Burns to Release 7-Part Ashli Babbitt Documentary
“I can’t think of a more important person to the story of America than Ashli Babbitt,” said legendary filmmaker and documentarian Ken Burns. “Ashli Babbitt’s story is the story of…
Carrie Underwood to Celebrate “3 Chords and the Douche” at Trump Bigotry Festival on Jan. 20
Carrie Underwood, or a reconstructed version of Carrie Underwood, will celebrate the storied history of racism in country music by performing at the Trump Bigotry Festival on January 20, which…
Elon Musk Promises Slave Labor on Mars by 2045
“We’re going to colonize Mars just like we colonized America–by enslaving certain races of human beings to do the grueling work that white people don’t want to do,” said Elon…
CNN, MSNBC Win Media Darwin Awards
“We were drunk on ratings,” explained Rachel Maddow, cleaning her eyeglasses with a wet pillow case. “We just could not NOT talk about Donald Trump, making sure he was front…
Pete Hegseth Proposes New Uniforms for U.S. Army
“My passion for hunting started when I tortured small animals as a kid,” said Pete Hegseth, Fox propagandist, Nazi enthusiast (a.k.a. Christian nationalist), and Trump’s pick for U.S. Defense Secretary.…
Jack Smith and Merrick Garland Transition Careers as Mall Cops
“Now that this Trump business is over,” said Jack Smith, pouring out his briefcase into a dumpster behind the Department of Justice, “I can get back to protecting America from…
My Pillow Founder Sighted Outside Mar-a-Lago Pleading for Cabinet Position
Mike Lindell, burdened by lawsuits related to his incessant false claims of voting machine conspiracies along with American consumers realizing his pillows kind of suck, has been seen prowling the…
Right Wing Trolls to Sue Bluesky Users for Ignoring Them
A planned class action lawsuit representing thousands of lonely men who live in their parents’ basements will be filed against people who post on the social media site Bluesky, many…
Trump Vows to Deport Migrants Who Farm Salad Ingredients
“Vegetables are nasty, especially radishes,” said President Trump, grabbing for a french fry that had fallen into his lap. “So I’m destroying the entire salad industry by deporting the brown…
Speaker Mike Johnson Says Other Religions “Traumatizing” to Christians
Speaker Mike Johnson has proposed legislation barring mention of any faith besides Christianity, saying that the existence of other faiths is too traumatizing to American Christians and makes them feel…
Judge Aileen Cannon To Star in “Jury Duty” Season 2
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t super excited about this opportunity,” said U.S. District Court Judge Aileen Cannon. “I play a fake judge all of the time, so…
RFK Jr. Blames Kennedy Family Curse on “Lifelike” Leprechauns
“It all comes together,” said RFK Jr., dipping a piece of whale sashimi into soy sauce, “the political assassinations, the plane crashes, the tragic drunk driving accidents. The whole thing.…
Trump Taps Charles Kushner as French Corruption Ambassador
“Project 2025 will ensure every federal agency and international relationship is optimized for maximum levels of corruption,” said Charles Kushner, celebrated slum lord and father of Saudi Arabian money launderer…