Right Wing Trolls to Sue Bluesky Users for Ignoring Them
A planned class action lawsuit representing thousands of lonely men who live in their parents’ basements will be filed against people who post on the social media site Bluesky, many…
Trump Vows to Deport Migrants Who Farm Salad Ingredients
“Vegetables are nasty, especially radishes,” said President Trump, grabbing for a french fry that had fallen into his lap. “So I’m destroying the entire salad industry by deporting the brown…
Speaker Mike Johnson Says Other Religions “Traumatizing” to Christians
Speaker Mike Johnson has proposed legislation barring mention of any faith besides Christianity, saying that the existence of other faiths is too traumatizing to American Christians and makes them feel…
Judge Aileen Cannon To Star in “Jury Duty” Season 2
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t super excited about this opportunity,” said U.S. District Court Judge Aileen Cannon. “I play a fake judge all of the time, so…
RFK Jr. Blames Kennedy Family Curse on “Lifelike” Leprechauns
“It all comes together,” said RFK Jr., dipping a piece of whale sashimi into soy sauce, “the political assassinations, the plane crashes, the tragic drunk driving accidents. The whole thing.…
Trump Taps Charles Kushner as French Corruption Ambassador
“Project 2025 will ensure every federal agency and international relationship is optimized for maximum levels of corruption,” said Charles Kushner, celebrated slum lord and father of Saudi Arabian money launderer…
Matt Gaetz Says Sabrina Carpenter “like 25 years too old” to be Sexy
“I don’t get this fascination with Sabrina Carpenter,” said Cameo gig worker and Trump’s former nominee for U.S. Attorney General, Matt Gaetz. “Sabrina is way, way too old to be…
GOP Outraged that Democratic President Pardons Son
“WHAT ABOUT NORMS” say Americans who voted for a convicted felon. Furious that President Biden pardoned his son, Hunter Biden, for lying on a federal form, Americans who voted for…
High Schools in Red States Launch Racist Student Exchange Program
“It’s so heartwarming to see a young racists from Germany make such great friends with young racists in Georgia,” said Larry Parker, Head Principal of Cordell Hills Prep School. “We’re…
Trump Sought SNL Star As Body Double for Court Appearances
“The whole thing was really fucking weird,” said James Austin Johnson, a featured player since 2021 on SNL, the historic late-night sketch comedy show. “Trump personally reached out to my…
“Coal Miners’ Slaughter” Wins Joe Manchin Yacht Naming Contest
“The contest was very close,” said Jeffrey Mayfield, a senior at West Virginia University, the first in his family of coal miners to go to college. “We had 16,593 West…
Flashback: SNL Sean Spicer Press Conferences
Melissa McCarthy and SNL delivered the funny when many of us needed it the most. Enjoy these hilarious videos mocking Trump‘s White House Press Secretary—and Dancing with the Stars buffoon—Sean…
Trump Taps Putin as Ambassador to Russia
“I was with a prostitute when I got the call,” said Vladimir Putin, petting a dead dog in his lap. “Of course, this was all part of my long-term plan…
Texas Gov. Abbott Sends Uvalde Police to Protect Southern Border
“Posturing with guns and cowboy hats is a way of life in Texas,” said Gov. Abbott. “Our elite Uvalde Police Force offers the best of the best that the Lone…
Hunter Biden Resigns as Elected Official of Absolutely Nothing
“I’m taking time off of not having had any elected role whatsoever to focus on my relationships with my Republican friends,” said Hunter, sitting at a coffee shop in Arlington,…