Zelensky Bills White House $735 for Babysitting
Volodymyr Zelensky, President of Ukraine, sent the White House an official invoice for the amount of $735 for babysitting expenses incurred during his recent visit to the United States. Zelensky…
Andrew Tate to Open Epstein Theme Park Near Mar-a-Lago
“Rapists and pedophiles are really having a moment in the cultural zeitgeist,” said Andrew Tate, licking his sunglasses clean and holding them up to the Florida sun. “With Trump being…
DOGE Celebrates Terrorizing America with Shirley Temples
“We resent being called the ‘DOGE DOUCHES’,” said Edward Coristine, blowing bubbles through a plastic straw into his shirley temple. “Every night before tucking us into our sleeping bags on…
Sen. Fetterman to Star in Slingblade Broadway Debut
“I see a lot myself in the character Karl Childers,” said Senator John Fetterman (D-PA), eating unheated soup straight from a can. “We share the same fashion sense, we’ve both…
Putin Donates $1M to Trump’s Birthday Parade, Promises to Be There
“It’s not often that we oligarchs can get together and celebrate special moments together,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, eating a whole raw chicken on his megayacht at an undisclosed…
Trump Announces “Proud Boys To Men” Cover Band Residency at Kennedy Center
In response to being booed by drag queens while attending Les Mis, at the Kennedy Center, a visibly angry Donald Trump vowed to fill the storied venue with acts that…
Mainstream Media Insists Musk Was Calling for a Cab, Doing Pilates
The NYTimes, Washington Post, and other outlets that spent 2024 translating Donald Trump’s garble into English are now defending the body language of the US’s actual President and product of…
Trump Announces “Blood of Children” Beach Resort in Gaza
“At Trump Properties, we like to embrace the local culture and environment when building our first-class resorts,” said President Trump at Mar-a-Lago, beating a ladybug into a patch of grass…
Trump Launches New Line of Antipathy Cards for Bereaved People
The Trump administration recently announced–in addition to gaudy shoes, Bibles manufactured in China, and dark web NFTs and bitcoins–the release of an “exciting” new line of greeting cards inspired by…
President Musk Announces Mandatory White Studies Course for Higher Education
President In Ipsa Re Elon Musk, fresh off of making a Nazi salute that scored a solid 8.7 with Proud Boy judges, has proposed mandatory White Studies writing courses for…
JD Vance, Infuriated, Demands Couch Get Abortion
A romantic date turned sour at an Applebees in Columbus, Ohio, as newly elected Vice President JD Vance and his Couch had a heated argument over whether or not the…
Trump Assembles Jan. 6 Regiment to Attack Canada & Greenland
“We’re freeing all of the January 6 heroes from U.S. jails and forming a special assault regiment,” said Donald Trump, wiping ketchup from his face with an American flag. “These…
Christian Megachurches Rebranding As MAGAChurches
“Donald J. Trump represents a modern interpretation of Jesus,” said Reverend Marcus Copeland, spiritual leader of the Big Stick Christianity movement sweeping across Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. “Our 2.1…
Heritage Foundation Report: Price of Freedom is $1.05
Every generation of Americans asks itself the same question: What is the price of freedom? Over the centuries, those generations of Americans have responded with different answers as to what…
Fox News, North Korea Hold Media Strategy Conference in Oslo
“We partnered with the best of the best,” said Kim Jong-Un, the supreme leader of North Korea and U.S. basketball fanboy. “Fox News has enjoyed unbridled success in brainwashing Americans,…