Donald Trump Awards Purple Heart to Proud Boy for January 6th Riot
This morning, at his resort headquarters in Mar-a-Lago, Florida, Donald Trump awarded the Purple Heart to Gary “Gonzoid” Simpson, 34, a self-proclaimed Proud Boy raised by an absentee dad, for…
DeSantis: Republicans Can Email 2022 Ballots Before They Die of Freedom
“I’m proud to announce that Republican voters with Covid in Florida can now submit their 2022 ballots as an email attachment,” said Ron DeSantis, GOP Governor of Florida. “This expedited…
GOP Reveals Gerrymandering Strategy Based on Skin Color
“Let’s face it,” said GOP Texas Representative and House Caucus Freedom Member Chip Roy, “we’re not going to win any elections based on our ideas—because we don’t have any ideas.…
Reps. MTG and Matt Gaetz Open Racist Cobra Kai Dojos
“I’m so freaking excited to be partnering with Matt Gaetz to open up franchises of racist Cobra Kai dojos across the South to prepare our youth for the next Civil…
Afghan Warlords Keep Drunk Texting the Pentagon
“They have to know this is over. Finished. Finito.” General Mark A. Milley, 20th Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said. “We had a good run. And let’s face…
Fox News, North Korea Hold Media Strategy Conference in Oslo
“We partnered with the best of the best,” said Kim Jong-un, the supreme leader of North Korea and U.S. basketball fanboy. “Fox News has enjoyed unbridled success in brainwashing Americans,…
Mike Lindell Creates New “Smother Pillow” Line
“I wanted to find new ways to expand the use cases for the My Pillow line,” explained Michael “Mike” Lindell, founder of My Pillow and Man Who Berates Children Loitering…
Resurrected Pope Blesses George Bush Mural of Innocent Victims Killed in Iraq
“Mission almost accomplished,” joked the former President of the United States, adding the last few strokes to his 500-foot wall mural in Bushwick, Brooklyn. “Done,” he then exhaled, tossing the…
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi Launches Own CryptoCurrency: Cakecoin
“I’ve always been interested in how my position of power can use innovative technologies to un-level the playing field so I can make more money,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democratic octogenarian…
Texas Secessionists Secede from Secessionist Group
Odessa, Texas – Texas’ nascent secessionist movement descended into chaotic infighting today after guest speaker Senator Ted Cruz remarked he would become first President of any new Republic of Texas.…