“It’s such an honor,” said Pam Bondi, curling her eyelashes in a full-length mirror in her Florida kitchen. “Not only did President Trump ask me to be the Attorney General instead of a pedophile, but he’s also paying me $850,000 to be the graduation speaker for Trump University’s Class of 2025.”
“I can’t wait to inspire these young minds with my wisdom and wit,” Bondi said, stepping on a cockroach scuttling across the linoleum floor. “Right now, the graduating class is four young men who all live somewhere in St. Petersburg–Russia, not Florida–and who are ‘undecided’ majors. I can’t wait to help shape these young ambitious minds. I’m kind of nervous. I’ve never given a graduation speech before, especially on Zoom.”
“Many people think Trump University is completely defunct and bankrupt from lawsuits, but I used my power as the Florida Attorney General to drop all legal actions against Trump University in exchange for a very illegal $25,000 campaign contribution from the Trump Foundation. This is a prime example of how corruption in America is a rising tide that lifts all boats. Corruption is the new freedom.”
“The title of my speech,” Bondi said, picking up the cockroach and eating it like a cracker, “is going to be ‘We the People: Corruption and the Power of American Exceptionalism.’ These Russian students are far more advanced than American college students on the power of ideas like fascism, cronyism, and profiteering. I expect my life experience will be of great value to them.”
