“It’s such an honor,” said Pam Bondi, curling her eyelashes in a full-length mirror in her Florida kitchen. “Not only did President Trump ask tap me as the Attorney General instead of pedophile like Matt Gaetz, but he’s also paying me $850,000 to be the graduation speaker for Trump University’s Class of 2026.”
“I can’t wait to inspire these young minds with my wisdom and wit,” Bondi said, stepping on a cockroach scuttling across the linoleum floor. “Right now, the graduating class is four young men who all live somewhere in St. Petersburg–Russia, not Florida–and who are ‘undecided’ majors. I can’t wait to help shape these young ambitious minds. I’m kind of nervous. I’ve never given a graduation speech before, especially on Zoom.”
“Many people think Trump University is completely defunct and bankrupt from lawsuits, but I used my power as the Florida Attorney General to drop all legal actions against Trump University in exchange for a very illegal $25,000 campaign contribution from the Trump Foundation. This is a prime example of how corruption in America is a rising tide that lifts all boats. That’s why I’m focusing my speech on corruption is the new freedom.”
“The title of my speech,” Bondi said, picking up the cockroach and eating it like a cracker, “is going to be ‘We the People: Corruption and the Power of American Exceptionalism.’ These Russian students are far more advanced than American college students on the power of ideas like fascism, cronyism, and profiteering. I expect my life experience will be of great value to them.”
