“It’s not often that we oligarchs can get together and celebrate special moments together,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, eating a whole raw chicken on his megayacht at an undisclosed location near Mar-a-Lago. “But with so many friends being there — Elon Musk, the Chinese TikTok dude, Mark Zuckerberg, the My Pillow Guy, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, the fat Guy Who Lied about Sandy Hook, and Peter Thiel — how could I not be there? These guys are my friends! They know it’s not a birthday party if Vlady the Baddy isn’t there!”
While investigating the logistics of having Putin visit and party in Washington, D.C., our Political Americans reporter met a Capitol Police officer and inquired about how security forces would handle such a disruption to an already busy birthday event. “Well,” said Officer Gary Lincoln, “I doubt it will be as a chaotic as the last time Trump held a military event here. They caused quite a ruckus. Actually, they violently attacked my friends with bear spray and sharpened flagpoles and killed my buddy and then rubbed shit all over the walls while carrying confederate flags. But with Putin being here, well, I’m sure MAGA will be more respectful this time.”
The military parade, a textbook flex from the dictator’s handbook, will costs Washington, D.C. about $16 million in damages, and in total will cost American taxpayers a whopping $45 million. “This is why I am donating $1 million of my own money,” explained Putin. “To help offset the costs. This is what friends do.”
“I really hope Mrs. Carrie Underwood sings for Trump again,” said Putin, wiping his mouth with a raccoon pelt. “She’s such a real American woman, especially with her new nose. But I’m really hoping to meet Sylvester Stallone who is actually a big fan of authoritarianism. Hah! Can you believe it! The same man who made action movies demonizing Mother Russia now wants a selfie with me and my autograph! Hold my balls, Rambo! God, I love Trump’s new America!”
