“America’s healthcare system will be bankrupt in three years,” said RFK, twisting a shoelace into a tourniquet and injecting high-pulp orange juice into his arm. “Now that America has abandoned the World Health Organization and Trump is firing healthcare professionals and defunding our medical infrastructure, we’re exploring other ways to secure funding for hospitals.”
RFK made the stunning announcement at a Bitcoin rally sponsored by a local Proud Boys organization in Augusta, Georgia. “I was hired by the American people to think creatively about how we’ll fund our healthcare system after the 2.3 million projected deaths of Americans due to bird flu over the next few years. That’s why I’m super excited to announce the launch of “America First Bird Flu Bitcoins.”
“With so many American casualties over the coming years,” RFK explained, “we need to think of creative ways to transfer the wealth of everyday Americans to the government so we can funnel that money into the Trump family’s many personal projects, like golf carts made of gold at Mar-a-Lago and a personal hunting range-petting zoo for Pete Hegseth. After all, we can only sell but so many Trump Victory sneakers and other scams to grift struggling Americans.”