Odessa, Texas – Texas’ nascent secessionist movement descended into chaotic infighting today after guest speaker Senator Ted Cruz remarked he would become first President of any new Republic of Texas. Cruz, who Texans say smells even worse in person, was shouted down by sarcastic laughter after saying the word “election.”
“Ain’t gonna be no elections in Texas, college boy,” hooted Hank Porter, founder of the Odessa chapter of Texas First and Last, one of many secessionist groups advocating for disunion from the United States. Porter, in turn, was challenged by social committee chairman Desiree Wilde, who stated the new nation would in fact have elections but they would be preemptively stolen every year. “Why give voters the power to decide our God-given elections?” Wilde asked before the podium microphone was forcibly removed from her hand.
Other issues generated often personal conflict. A selection process for the new national bird was tabled after being called “gay” by an unnamed patriot. Percy Habermas, leader of the TFL’s bible study group, clashed with both Wilde and Porter over whether Texas would offer Mexico a chance to surrender unconditionally or simply be invaded without warning. Francine Gormley was boo’d out of the meeting for stating “Y’all know we’ll need some taxes, right? For like, I dunno, a navy?” Fierce debates arose over if Tex-Mex cuisine would just be called “Tex” in the yet-to-be-formed nation.
By nightfall, the TFL, while still advocating immediate secession from the United States, had begun splintering into dozens of ever-smaller secessionist movements, with no end in sight.
Texas flag photo: Bill Dickinson Ted Cruz photo: Gage Skidmore Overalls Texan photo: Bruce Szalwinski