“We’re freeing all of the January 6 heroes from U.S. jails and forming a special assault regiment,” said Donald Trump, wiping ketchup from his face with an American flag. “These patriots — from the Proud Boys and the KKK and even your regular uneducated angry white guys who are mad they’re not rich — will be trained at Mar-a-Lago on the latest insurgent attack techniques.”
Trump has already assigned the mission to Pete Hegseth, whose alcoholism and rage issues are a perfect fit for the aggressive nature of the unique leadership role. “I’m excited about this opportunity to make Canada and Greenland great again,” said Hegseth, popping handful of Advil. “I’ve already created a list of weapons and resources we’ll need to arm these special January 6 terrorism forces.”
Our Political Americans reporter got a copy of the list:
“We’re going to take back what rightfully belongs to America,” continued Trump, “and the Canadians and Greenlandish people are going to love it. We’ll uplift these shithole countries with accessible McDonald’s everywhere, medical bankruptcy, wildly corrupt government, college football realignment, and mass shootings. They’re not going to believe how prosperous they’ll be.”
According to leaked records, training for the January 6 Regiment will begin with boot camp at Mar-a-Lago, where soldiers will practice bear spraying and stabbing manatees with sharpened flag poles. Each afternoon will also include 9 holes of golf with the President followed by several hours of filing papers that once belonged to the Pentagon.
Canada’s Press Secretary responded to the announcement with an official statement: Canada is a sovereign nation and we will defend ourselves by doing nothing. Only reporters in America fall for these idiotic distractions. How are those tax benefits for the American wealthy and cuts to social security and medicare going?
