“We’re honoring Charlie and his love for our great Second Amendment,” President Trump explained, dollops of ketchup dripping from his Big Mac onto the cement floor of the White House Rose Garden. “Many people are saying that we could give Charlie a 1-gun salute, or even 10-gun salute, but as President I’m signing an executive order to give Charlie full military honors—just like I did for the great American patriot Ashli Babbitt. For Charlie, it’s going to be 21 big beautiful American guns! That’s twenty-ones bangs! Bang! Bang! Bang!… Bang! Bang!”
“Truthfully,” President Trump elaborated, “I wanted a 50-gun or a 100-gun salute for Charlie, but our military experts said that might weird out or traumatize people. But we don’t have woke liberals in the Republican Party, so I’m not sure why that would be an issue. This big, beautiful display of guns and America’s extreme lethality will not only make Charlie proud, but also Pete Hegseth, though he’s not allowed near firearms after his morning Bloody Mary. It’s going to be an inspiring tribute to Charlie and his devotion to our great Second Amendment, the only real American amendment.”
Political Americans is a satirical publication. All articles are parody and should not be taken as factual reporting.