The Trump administration recently announced–in addition to gaudy shoes, Bibles manufactured in China, and dark web NFTs and bitcoins–the release of an “exciting” new line of greeting cards inspired by the President’s response to the tragic mid-air collision of a passenger jet and Army helicopter.
When answering a question about visiting the site of the horrific crash, the first commercial airline crash in the United States in 16 years, President Trump glibly replied, “The water? You want me to go swimming?”
Soon after the remark, MAGA celebrated his callousness with celebrations of awe and praise for the President’s almost inhuman ability to kick Americans while they’re down.
“Americans love the way Trump responds to their misfortunes,” said a White House staffer connected to the effort. “So why not give them the chance to send cards to their own friends and family that show the same kind of empathy, or, to be frank, complete lack of it? Nothing says ‘I’m alpha’ more than hurling a good ‘fuck you’ at bereaved families.”
The line of antipathy cards will include a variety of MAGA-inspired “fuck your feelings” messaging, tailored for any number of specific circumstances, such as:
Grieving loved ones who have passed after care in Hospice: “Congrats on getting that ugly hospital bed out of your living room!”
Displaced refugees fleeing violence: “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here, you criminal.”
Loss of a military service member: “One less sucker and loser!”
The loss of a longtime partner: “You’re free, big dog! Get someone younger!”
One antipathy card is of particular note for the whimsical message targeting widowed husbands, “She said you’d have fun over her dead body? Well, now she’s dead so dance on her grave!” which also includes a $5 discount coupon for the New Jersey golf course where Trump’s first wife is buried.
“Every card will express Trump’s classic self-centeredness and pathological need to never experience any level of negative feelings,” explained the White House staffer, “while also communicating the massive sense of emptiness and self-loathing that is always bubbling right under the surface and can only manifest in displays of cruelty to others.” The staffer paused to take a drag of his cherry vape, then said, “What could be more American than that?”