Progressively Drunk: Thanksgiving Survival Kit for Liberals

For many of us, Thanksgiving used to be our favorite holiday.

Not anymore.

Thanksgiving is now a day to dread. An excruciating experience where we sit on the couch in despair, trying not to get too drunk on red wine while our hateful Trump-loving family, buoyed by the recent election, lecture us about not letting politics get in the way of personal relationships. Yes, the same people who gleefully voted to take away our freedoms and hand over our democracy to a deranged kleptocrat and his evil cronies can’t image why any of us would take this personally.

And we know that’s bullshit. Of course this is personal. If you don’t take this assault on our liberties and lifestyles personally then you should share whatever drugs you are on with the rest of us. Thanksgiving Day is now an emotional torture chamber where we, chained to the wall of our families, are degraded, derided, and laughed at for caring and moral human beings.

Here is a Thanksgiving Day Survival Kit that offers 10 strategies for our fellow liberals out there who are struggling with the thought of having to break bread with fake Christians spewing bigoted lies and who worship a craven fascist who crowdsurfed to power on the raised hands of 76 million Americans celebrating racism, bigotry, greed. (What a long, sad sentence.)

Take Long Shits. Seriously, spend as much time as you can in the bathroom. Charge up your phone and grab a bottle of wine and find the most distant bathroom you can. Stay there until people begin to wonder if they should call the police. Then make an appearance, pretend to laugh at some hateful jokes about immigrants, compliment your aunt on her pumpkin pie, then grab another bottle of wine and head back to the bathroom. Repeat this process until you can go home.

Cough a Lot. Trump supporters don’t believe in COVID or vaccines. But they still have survival instincts like the rest of us. Coughing a lot without covering your mouth and saying “I’m not sure what this is!” will compel them to leave you alone. Science deniers, deep down, still don’t want to get sick. That paradox is infuriating, but use it to your advantage.

Build a Fire. Regardless of the temperature, find a fireplace if possible and build a fire. Make this your project for the entire day. Stare at it. Stoke it. Think to yourself “Our country is on fire, but this fire I can control.” When your idiot uncle says “I voted for Trump because he’s not afraid to speak his mind,” don’t speak yours and throw another log on the flames. Remember, this day is about your own survival.

Avoid the Kitchen. Sadly, the kitchen has traditionally been the best place to hang on Thanksgiving. The sounds and smells of cooking mixed with laughter and stories featuring loved ones is the hallmark of Thanksgiving. Those days are over. Trump loyalists are deeply brainwashed and now do everything through the lens of that craven orange clown. It’s impossible to avoid his presence in their minds and lives, so stay out of the kitchen as much as you can.

Bring a prostitute. Even if you’re married, bring a prostitute. Your spouse will understand and should probably bring one, too. Make sure the prostitute understands their job is to monopolize conversations, deflect attacks on your values, and introduce themselves as Stormy Daniels to your entire family.

Avoid Playing Football. Your family football game is a disaster waiting to happen. All that anger and disappointment you feel while being trapped at a miniature Trump rally needs to go somewhere. Your feelings can easily get the best of you on the field. Your family has already been manipulated into thinking you’re a terrible person. Don’t give them a real reason like rage tackling a five-year-old Trump supporter and breaking his arm. No matter how good it may feel in the moment.

Say Yes to Drugs. Forget about moralizing over drug use or worrying about the long-term impact of drug use. This is about survival. You can deal with your drug addiction later. Take whatever you need to numb yourself to the horrible reality that our democracy is dead and that evil has triumphed over good. Drugs are bad. But the future of America is worse. Do what you need to do. Stay safe.

Play Drinking Games. Don’t tell anyone, but make a bingo card filled with the horrible narratives Trump has cultivated in the minds of your family members. Entertain yourself by marking off squares like “inflation is Biden’s fault” or “immigrants eat cats” or “Trump cares about regular Americans.” You may want to make several cards because they’ll fill up quickly.

Arrive Late, Leave Early. Minimizing your time at your racist Thanksgiving is critical to your survival. Prepare a plausible reason for arriving late and for leaving early. Traffic is always a solid excuse. So is work. Make sure to coordinate your excuse and your escape plane with your spouse or other involved parties so you don’t contradict yourselves. Then get the fuck out.

Don’t Go. The truth is we can’t choose the family we are born into but we can control the family we surround ourselves with. If you have had enough of your fascist family and their condescending comments about your beliefs and values, then fuck them. You only live once. Spend your Thanksgiving with people who give you joy, laughter, and support. You know, Americans who didn’t surrender our country to our enemies.

Do you have any advice, tips, or strategies to add to this list? Please add them in the comment section. Your input is greatly appreciated. Good luck everyone. At the very least, we still have each other.