DOGE Celebrates Terrorizing America with Shirley Temples
“We resent being called the ‘DOGE DOUCHES’,” said Edward Coristine, blowing bubbles through a plastic straw into his shirley temple. “Every night before tucking us into our sleeping bags on…
RFK Announces Bird Flu Bitcoin
“America’s healthcare system will be bankrupt in three years,” said RFK, twisting a shoelace into a tourniquet and injecting high-pulp orange juice into his arm. “Now that America has abandoned…
Trump Announces “Proud Boys To Men” Cover Band Residency at Kennedy Center
“We’re eternally grateful to President Trump for this opportunity,” said Proud Boy leader Enrique Tarrio, primping his eyebrows in his dressing room mirror. “Many people struggle with the idea of…
Mainstream Media Insists Musk Was Calling for a Cab, Doing Pilates
The NYTimes, Washington Post, and other outlets that spent 2024 translating Donald Trump’s garble into English are now defending the body language of the US’s actual President and product of…
5-Year-Old Tammy Kemp Pens Manifesto About Trump’s Fascist Fucking Bullshit
“This shit is crazy,” said young Tammy Kemp, tossing her Dora the Explorer coloring book onto the carpet. “This Trump asshole is fucking up our democracy and replacing it with…
Trump Announces “Blood of Children” Beach Resort in Gaza
“At Trump Properties, we like to embrace the local culture and environment when building our first-class resorts,” said President Trump at Mar-a-Lago, beating a ladybug into a patch of grass…
Trump Launches New Line of Antipathy Cards for Bereaved People
The Trump administration recently announced–in addition to gaudy shoes, Bibles manufactured in China, and dark web NFTs and bitcoins–the release of an “exciting” new line of greeting cards inspired by…
President Musk Announces Mandatory White Studies Course for Higher Education
President In Ipsa Re Elon Musk, fresh off of making a Nazi salute that scored a solid 8.7 with Proud Boy judges, has proposed mandatory White Studies writing courses for…
Trump Blames Biden for 2028 Great Recession
“The upcoming horrible recession of 2028 will be totally and completely Sleepy Joe Biden’s fault,” President Trump said from his Mar-a-Lago office, moisturizing his face with a handful of warm…
JD Vance, Infuriated, Demands Couch Get Abortion
A romantic date turned sour at an Applebees in Columbus, Ohio, as newly elected Vice President JD Vance and his Couch had a heated argument over whether or not the…
JD Vance Sequel “Hillbilly Hitler” Wins Southern Literary Prize
“I couldn’t be prouder to win the DeSantis Prize for White Literature,” said Vice President JD Vance. “White people have been persecuted ever since the black slaves arrived in America.…
Trump Voters Excited to Receive Bonus Checks from China Tariffs
“Trump’s tariffs are going to make them Chinese people pay,” said Misty Muffoon, cradling her newborn grandson, a cigarette tucked into the corner of her mouth. “Ain’t no one gonna…
Trump Assembles Jan. 6 Regiment to Attack Canada & Greenland
“We’re freeing all of the January 6 heroes from U.S. jails and forming a special assault regiment,” said Donald Trump, wiping ketchup from his face with an American flag. “These…
Christian Megachurches Rebranding As MAGAChurches
“Donald J. Trump represents a modern interpretation of Jesus,” said Reverend Marcus Copeland, spiritual leader of the Big Stick Christianity movement sweeping across Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. “Our 2.1…
Justice Thomas Agrees To Free His Nigerian Slaves After Negative Publicity
“Those Nigerian boys were a gift from a dear friend,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, lighting a Cuban cigar on a Washington D.C. sidewalk, flicking the match at a…