DHS Accidentally Kidnaps, Deports Marco Rubio to El Salvador
“Little Marco is the name of a key MS-13 cell leader based in Miami,” said Kevin Bullock, ICE agent and proud middle school graduate of Newsbury Middle School. “We’d been…
Elon Musk Demands Americans Say They’re Coming to His Birthday Party
Fresh off a tantrum that motivated fellow toddler Donald Trump to declare–in front of the White House–that anyone who says Teslas are shitty cars a “domestic terrorist,” Elon Musk has…
Zelensky Bills White House $735 for Babysitting
Volodymyr Zelensky, President of Ukraine, sent the White House an official invoice for the amount of $735 for babysitting expenses incurred during his recent visit to the United States. Zelensky…
Andrew Tate to Open Epstein Theme Park Near Mar-a-Lago
“Rapists and pedophiles are really having a moment in the cultural zeitgeist,” said Andrew Tate, licking his sunglasses clean and holding them up to the Florida sun. “With Trump being…
DOGE Celebrates Terrorizing America with Shirley Temples
“We resent being called the ‘DOGE DOUCHES’,” said Edward Coristine, blowing bubbles through a plastic straw into his shirley temple. “Every night before tucking us into our sleeping bags on…
Sen. Fetterman to Star in Slingblade Broadway Debut
“I see a lot myself in the character Karl Childers,” said Senator John Fetterman (D-PA), eating unheated soup straight from a can. “We share the same fashion sense, we’ve both…
RFK Announces Bird Flu Bitcoin
“America’s healthcare system will be bankrupt in three years,” said RFK, twisting a shoelace into a tourniquet and injecting high-pulp orange juice into his arm. “Now that America has abandoned…
Trump Announces “Proud Boys To Men” Cover Band Residency at Kennedy Center
“We’re eternally grateful to President Trump for this opportunity,” said Proud Boy leader Enrique Tarrio, primping his eyebrows in his dressing room mirror. “Many people struggle with the idea of…
Mainstream Media Insists Musk Was Calling for a Cab, Doing Pilates
The NYTimes, Washington Post, and other outlets that spent 2024 translating Donald Trump’s garble into English are now defending the body language of the US’s actual President and product of…
5-Year-Old Tammy Kemp Pens Manifesto About Trump’s Fascist Fucking Bullshit
“This shit is crazy,” said young Tammy Kemp, tossing her Dora the Explorer coloring book onto the carpet. “This Trump asshole is fucking up our democracy and replacing it with…
Trump Announces “Blood of Children” Beach Resort in Gaza
“At Trump Properties, we like to embrace the local culture and environment when building our first-class resorts,” said President Trump at Mar-a-Lago, beating a ladybug into a patch of grass…
Trump Launches New Line of Antipathy Cards for Bereaved People
The Trump administration recently announced–in addition to gaudy shoes, Bibles manufactured in China, and dark web NFTs and bitcoins–the release of an “exciting” new line of greeting cards inspired by…
President Musk Announces Mandatory White Studies Course for Higher Education
President In Ipsa Re Elon Musk, fresh off of making a Nazi salute that scored a solid 8.7 with Proud Boy judges, has proposed mandatory White Studies writing courses for…
Trump Blames Biden for 2028 Great Recession
“The upcoming horrible recession of 2028 will be totally and completely Sleepy Joe Biden’s fault,” President Trump said from his Mar-a-Lago office, moisturizing his face with a handful of warm…
JD Vance, Infuriated, Demands Couch Get Abortion
A romantic date turned sour at an Applebees in Columbus, Ohio, as newly elected Vice President JD Vance and his Couch had a heated argument over whether or not the…