Trump Voters Excited to Receive Bonus Checks from China Tariffs
“Trump’s tariffs are going to make them Chinese people pay,” said Misty Muffoon, cradling her newborn grandson, a cigarette tucked into the corner of her mouth. “Ain’t no one gonna…
Speaker Mike Johnson Says Other Religions “Traumatizing” to Christians
Speaker Mike Johnson has proposed legislation barring mention of any faith besides Christianity, saying that the existence of other faiths is too traumatizing to American Christians and makes them feel…
Heritage Foundation Report: Price of Freedom is $1.05
Every generation of Americans asks itself the same question: What is the price of freedom? Over the centuries, those generations of Americans have responded with different answers as to what…
RFK Jr. Blames Kennedy Family Curse on “Lifelike” Leprechauns
“It all comes together,” said RFK Jr., dipping a piece of whale sashimi into soy sauce, “the political assassinations, the plane crashes, the tragic drunk driving accidents. The whole thing.…
Trump Declares Jonestown Massacre as National Holiday
“Jim Jones was a great American,” said President-elect Trump, holding a 9 iron beside his golf cart. “Like me, he was very beloved by his people and, like my people,…
Matt Gaetz Says Sabrina Carpenter “like 25 years too old” to be Sexy
“I don’t get this fascination with Sabrina Carpenter,” said Trump’s nominee for U.S. Attorney General, Matt Gaetz (R-FL). “Sabrina is way, way too old to be sexy for my own…
JD Vance Sequel “Hillbilly Hitler” Wins Southern Literary Prize
“I couldn’t be prouder to win the DeSantis Prize for White Literature,” said Trump VP pick JD Vance. “White people have been persecuted ever since the black slaves arrived in…
Trump Sought SNL Star As Body Double for Court Appearances
“The whole thing was really fucking weird,” said James Austin Johnson, a featured player since 2021 on SNL, the historic late-night sketch comedy show. “Trump personally reached out to my…
“Coal Miners’ Slaughter” Wins Joe Manchin Yacht Naming Contest
“The contest was very close,” said Jeffrey Mayfield, a senior at West Virginia University, the first in his family of coal miners to go to college. “We had 16,593 West…
Flashback: SNL Sean Spicer Press Conferences
Melissa McCarthy and SNL delivered the funny when many of us needed it the most. Enjoy these hilarious videos mocking Trump‘s White House Press Secretary—and Dancing with the Stars buffoon—Sean…
Trump Taps Putin as Ambassador to Russia
“I was with a prostitute when I got the call,” said Vladimir Putin, petting a dead dog in his lap. “Of course, this was all part of my long-term plan…
Hunter Biden Resigns as Elected Official of Absolutely Nothing
“I’m taking time off of not having had any elected role whatsoever to focus on my relationships with my Republican friends,” said Hunter, sitting at a coffee shop in Arlington,…
Republicans Elect Father Paul Hill as House Speaker
“This role isn’t very different from my last position,” said Father Paul Hill. “As a leader of that devoted conservative community, I became very familiar with the work of the…
Marie Kondo Suffers Heart Attack After Seeing Mar-a-Lago Photos
“Marie is in stable condition,” said Dr. Aoi Tananka, lead cardiologist at Tokyo Medical University Hospital. “She has had a very difficult week, but thankfully her vital signs are returning…
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