Zelensky Bills White House $735 for Babysitting
Volodymyr Zelensky, President of Ukraine, sent the White House an official invoice for the amount of $735 for babysitting expenses incurred during his recent visit to the United States. Zelensky…
Sen. Fetterman to Star in Slingblade Broadway Debut
“I see a lot myself in the character Karl Childers,” said Senator John Fetterman (D-PA), eating unheated soup straight from a can. “We share the same fashion sense, we’ve both…
Mainstream Media Insists Musk Was Calling for a Cab, Doing Pilates
The NYTimes, Washington Post, and other outlets that spent 2024 translating Donald Trump’s garble into English are now defending the body language of the US’s actual President and product of…
5-Year-Old Tammy Kemp Pens Manifesto About Trump’s Fascist Fucking Bullshit
“This shit is crazy,” said young Tammy Kemp, tossing her Dora the Explorer coloring book onto the carpet. “This Trump asshole is fucking up our democracy and replacing it with…
Trump Blames Biden for 2028 Great Recession
“The upcoming horrible recession of 2028 will be totally and completely Sleepy Joe Biden’s fault,” President Trump said from his Mar-a-Lago office, moisturizing his face with a handful of warm…
JD Vance Sequel “Hillbilly Hitler” Wins Southern Literary Prize
“I couldn’t be prouder to win the DeSantis Prize for White Literature,” said Vice President JD Vance. “White people have been persecuted ever since the black slaves arrived in America.…
Trump Voters Excited to Receive Bonus Checks from China Tariffs
“Trump’s tariffs are going to make them Chinese people pay,” said Misty Muffoon, cradling her newborn grandson, a cigarette tucked into the corner of her mouth. “Ain’t no one gonna…
Heritage Foundation Report: Price of Freedom is $1.05
Every generation of Americans asks itself the same question: What is the price of freedom? Over the centuries, those generations of Americans have responded with different answers as to what…
National Archives: Women Voting Was A Terrible Idea
Stung by accusations that, in an effort to make white Conservatives feel better about being bigots, the National Archive has been removing any references to periods of history that Conservatives…
Kash Patel To Restructure FBI With Loyalty Caste System
“Nothing is more woke than the idea that all human beings are created equal,” said Kash Patel, whose Indian Gujarati parents–in a retrospective ironic twist–immigrated to Canada in the 1970s…
Trump Declares Jonestown Massacre as National Holiday
“Jim Jones was a great American,” said President-elect Trump, holding a 9 iron beside his golf cart. “Like me, he was very beloved by his people and, like my people,…
Ken Burns to Release 7-Part Ashli Babbitt Documentary
“I can’t think of a more important person to the story of America than Ashli Babbitt,” said legendary filmmaker and documentarian Ken Burns. “Ashli Babbitt’s story is the story of…
Carrie Underwood to Celebrate “3 Chords and the Douche” at Trump Bigotry Festival on Jan. 20
Carrie Underwood, or a reconstructed version of Carrie Underwood, will celebrate the storied history of racism in country music by performing at the Trump Bigotry Festival on January 20, which…
Putin Donates $1M to Trump Inauguration
“It’s not often that we oligarchs can get together and really let our hair down,” said Vladimir Putin, eating a whole raw chicken on his megayacht at an undisclosed location…
CNN, MSNBC Win Media Darwin Awards
“We were drunk on ratings,” explained Rachel Maddow, cleaning her eyeglasses with a wet pillow case. “We just could not NOT talk about Donald Trump, making sure he was front…